"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


Monday I texted Nikki and asked if Savannah could come with us to Huckleberry Railroad and Crossroads Village.

She said she would ask Savannah. On Wednesday she texted me back and said Savannah wanted to go, but only if Nikki came too.

I understand that and let's assume that it is what Savannah said.

I don't know why, but it makes me feel like the Savannah I knew no longer exists...maybe like she never did exist. I wonder if I loved her, but she didn't love me. I wonder if the closeness we had was only, on her end, out of necessity and not out of a genuine emotion she felt for me.

I guess it doesn't matter. It has been a year and she hasn't left her mom's side for a year. I know she is very clingy and it would be scary to go somewhere without her for Savannah.

It just hurts. It makes me feel like all our kids would opt to not be here and it hurts so much.

After I got that text my first impulse was to walk around the house and tear down every picture of her...and our other foster kids too. It hurts to think a child who lived with us for over a year is scared to come to our house without her mom. I assume that would be a normal healthy way to feel, but it makes me so sad.

I just want MY Savannah back, the one who lived with us.

I know she still loves us. She makes sure to tell us every time she sees us. She looks at her pictures of us all the time.

It doesn't matter. Her life is her life and my life is my life.

Foster care hurts. I can't think of any joy it has ever brought me that didn't end in total despair.

I wonder if this was just God's way of showing me a piece of me that needed a daughter. And then HE gave me one. I am so thankful for that. So so thankful. I would go through all of the despair for this child that couldn't even exist outside of me yet. She was worth it. Every bit of it.

But, oh how it still hurts some days.