Savannah.

Monday I texted Nikki and asked if Savannah could come with us to Huckleberry Railroad and Crossroads Village.

She said she would ask Savannah. On Wednesday she texted me back and said Savannah wanted to go, but only if Nikki came too.

I understand that and let's assume that it is what Savannah said.

I don't know why, but it makes me feel like the Savannah I knew no longer exists...maybe like she never did exist. I wonder if I loved her, but she didn't love me. I wonder if the closeness we had was only, on her end, out of necessity and not out of a genuine emotion she felt for me.

I guess it doesn't matter. It has been a year and she hasn't left her mom's side for a year. I know she is very clingy and it would be scary to go somewhere without her for Savannah.

It just hurts. It makes me feel like all our kids would opt to not be here and it hurts so much.

After I got that text my first impulse was to walk around the house and tear down every picture of her...and our other foster kids too. It hurts to think a child who lived with us for over a year is scared to come to our house without her mom. I assume that would be a normal healthy way to feel, but it makes me so sad.

I just want MY Savannah back, the one who lived with us.

I know she still loves us. She makes sure to tell us every time she sees us. She looks at her pictures of us all the time.

It doesn't matter. Her life is her life and my life is my life.

Foster care hurts. I can't think of any joy it has ever brought me that didn't end in total despair.

I wonder if this was just God's way of showing me a piece of me that needed a daughter. And then HE gave me one. I am so thankful for that. So so thankful. I would go through all of the despair for this child that couldn't even exist outside of me yet. She was worth it. Every bit of it.

But, oh how it still hurts some days.

You are a GIRL!!!!!

I'm not sure any little girl was as loved before they existed as you were.

You are real.

I feel you all the time. It takes my breath away.

I am getting huge, and I love you for it.

I am so excited to see you.

I read this and I said, that describes you

Here’s to the hard won babies.

The ones we fought for

prayed for

cried for

longed for.

Here’s to the hard won babies.

The ones who are known before they are made

and the ones who are wildly loved before they are born.

Here’s to the hard won babies.

The ones who seal the cracks in our soul with their simple existence.

Here’s to our hard won babies,

that have healed our hearts and brought us back.

You are so cute

I going nuts.

It is very hard to not tell everyone all about you. I am just so excited you are here.

You make me very tired right now, I am so glad that we decided to try to make you during the summer when I don't have to wake up early to take your big brother to school. I just love seeing those words...big brother. He has been waiting for a while for that to be official and he is so excited to find out we are pregnant with you. I keep trying to think up fun ways to tell him that you are on your way.

Right now the weirdest thing I have been wanting all the time is honey. I want honey all the time. I also want fruit all the time. That is better than with Kobe, with him I wanted candy all the time.

I love you sweetheart, can't wait to meet you face to face.