Grieving

From the minute I told our agency "yes" to taking S as a temporary placement I think I started the grieving process. If you are not familiar with it that make two of us because I don't sit around trying to remember things like that. But, right now I am smack dab in the middle of taking a class that is "teaching" us all about things we already know and is labeling somethings that we all experience all the time but don't over analyze.

The 7 Stages of Grief:

1. Shock & Denial

2. Pain & Guilt

3. Anger & Bargaining

4. Depression

5. The Upward Turn

6. Coping

7. Acceptance

Now, obviously if you read a lot or "google it" some people label it as the "5 stages of Grief" or they use different terms to describe these stages but it is all pretty much the same.

I think from the minute that I fell in love with S I decided to live in the DENIAL phase. When I would get too upset about the thought of her going home for good I would just think that "today is not that day and I'm not going to borrow sadness from that day" which is a good way to live in general but it did and has fed into my denial on the subject.

I have bounced around in my grieving process, going from denial, to bargaining, back to denial and so on and so on.

Well, obviously we still have a couple months to get through but I have for the time being landed towards the end of this process. I am hovering right above accepting this situation for what it is. It still makes me sad and I still DO NOT LIKE IT, but I am doing the best I can.

I am BEGGING GOD to get my mind and heart on the same side as HIS. The side that is going to win in this situation. I have been asking HIM to some how make me fight for her to go home as well. And let me tell you, I don't want to fight for it. But I will.

I am going to do everything I can to make sure S is getting the best possible chance she can have in this life. I am taking care of doctor visits and paper work. I am keeping up to date records and am fully prepared to make sure the judge sees EVERYTHING they need to see prior to them letting her go home. Good or Bad.

I am fighting for her. Not to keep her but for her.

And it sucks. And I hate it. BUT, I wouldn't change meeting her. I wouldn't change being her "Mom" for 6 months. I wouldn't trade that away to get rid of the hurt as much as it sucks.

And, as always, I sit back and laugh as I shake my head and think "...and to think, I signed up for this."

The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of my Lord.