Choking on my words

Uggg...so, are you ready to here about my ugly feelings?  I feel like they are ugly.  I thought that I would be able to throw my whole self into foster care.  That I would look at my foster kids and have no reservations treating them like they are my own and loving them with everything I have...and then it came up.  Those three words that EVERY child should hear EVERY DAY of their lives.  And I choked.  I literally had to spit them out of my mouth.  Because she deserves to hear them.  Every day.  No matter what.  And I hesitated.  I choked.  And I don't want to hurt.

When my sister was in her accident I took care of her little boy when ever they needed me to.  He spent a few days and nights with me and then just the days until Bobbie came home.  I told him I loved him everyday.  I told him I loved him more that once a day.  Why?  Because I knew that that is what my sister would do, that is what she would want him to hear.  And I meant it.  I never choked on it.  I said it, and it was easy.  It was easy because I knew he would go home, but I would see him again.  I wasn't going to tell him I love him one day and then hand him off to someone that is a stranger to me and never see him again.

I had had S for a couple weeks and all the sudden it hit me.  I had only said "I love you" once to her.  And there she was playing around my feet and looking up at me and I wanted to say it to her, I wanted to mean it...and I started to say it and choked, and then spit it out.  There I had said it.  But I didn't want to mean it.  

I had thought I was doing so good, that I wasn't putting up any walls between my heart and S, but I was.  In that moment I thought of the other ways I had been building a wall between my heart and S.  I always made her sleep in her crib.  I never rocked her to sleep.  I never let her snuggle up and fall asleep on me.  That was too close.  It would remind me too much of my own child that I have done that with hundreds of times.  And I can't feel that way.  Because she's not mine.

The biggest problem is that I do love her.  And I hate saying it.  I hate feeling it.  And I love feeling it.  It is so confusing and alarming and scary.  Because she's gonna leave.  And the feelings will still be there.

So, today, I walked out of the living room and told Kobe I love him, and he said it back.  And then a little female voice echoed Kobe's.  With the same words.  Telling me she loved me, whether she meant it or not.  So, I turned and looked at her and said it back.  All the while knowing she's gonna leave.  And I'm gonna hurt.  But I do love her, even if I choke on the words.