Memorial Box Tuesday

Years ago, back when Kobe was around two, there was a lady I met at church. She was adopting from China and I was enthralled with her story. I said all the wrong things like, "You know you are going to get pregnant as soon as your baby gets here, right?" (a big no-no in the adoption world). I was just young and naive to why most people adopted and had no intention of saying anything that would hurt her feelings. She didn't miss a beat, she just smiled and told me that she would be thrilled if that happened.
Anyway, I don't know how it came up in conversation, I believe it was my mother in law who heard that the agency who they were adopting through had more babies then families to take them...and that moment was when my heart opened to adoption.
I knew we weren't ready to adopt, didn't have the money and were flat out too young, literally. We did not meet the requirements to adopt from China age wise yet. But after that, for years, I always saw myself with a little asian looking girl. I would daydream constantly about adopting from China. Just adopting in general too. It always was about a little asian girl.
When we finally decided to adopt, then felt very led to try to adopt through foster care I though that my daydreams were never going to come true. I was excited to be on the road to doing what God wanted us to do, but I just figured that foster care would not be where my little asian girl came from. Maybe there was no little asian girl in my future.
And then came S.
My first "2 year old caucasian" foster daughter got out of her other foster mom's car and I saw for the first time the girl I had daydreamed about for years. The girl that God had laid on my heart all those years ago, back when Ben and I thought foster care was the worst idea ever and that we would never do anything like that.
The "2 year old caucasian" girl was tan, had dark brown asian eyes and wispy light brown hair. She was listed as caucasian because mom was caucasian, but dad was chinese.
When I saw her I knew she was mine.
I just didn't know for how long.
And I still don't know for how long.
But, I still thank God for showing her to me all those years ago. For holding her in my heart all this time. For letting me fall in love with her before I ever knew who she was.
If you ever meet/have met S you will notice she is quiet, most would describe her as unfriendly for the most part, and through this back and forth plan to reunite her with her mom she has had days where she is so with drawn that she won't talk to anyone but me. She has been through a lot and it being put through a lot. Her little body has been mangled by surgery. She will need plastic surgery to try to correct what the tumor did to her. Her little legs and feet are turned in and make her fall all the time.
And, still, she is the prettiest little girl I've ever seen. When she wraps her arms around me and comes up and kisses me and tells me she loves me and that I'm her "best friend" she melts my heart. She is who she is. And we seem to fit together perfectly.
And, for the record, before K came here I was convinced that our next foster child would be a little african american boy. He just kept popping into my head. And now he is here too.
God has called Ben and I to do the hardest thing we have ever set out to do. Find our kids through foster care.
Sometimes I get sick of all the hurdles and "the system" and think that we should just stop and sign up with an adoption agency to find us our kids. But I still can't justify doing it that way. I don't want to sit on a list waiting for years for a baby that hundreds of other people are waiting for. I honestly believe that isn't where God needs us to be.
I don't feel led to adopt from what I see is basically another country's foster care system. I think that for us that is not the right fit, but I PRAISE GOD for those that do. Those kids need mommies and daddies so badly. Just like the kids here do too.
God calls us all to do something different. Many days I am heavy with grief over what foster care is doing and has done to my kids. It is heavy. It is hard. But I love the kids.
God is doing something. I don't know what it is or how it will all turn out, but I know HE IS DOING SOMETHING.
I can't wait to see what it is.

*There is a new little image that keeps popping into my head. Telling me about who I think will be the next member of this crazy family. But for now, I am going to keep those details under wraps. I am really excited to see how God gets this one to us!*

Also, there is a new post up under this one if you want to check it out.