My Weekend

Last week, on Wednesday, I hit bottom.

Lizzy visit had gone horribly, I was very disappointed in how S's counseling was going, and when we got home from that marathon of horror I was taking a bowl of cereal milk from the table to the sink and Kobe knocked it out of my hands and it went every where.

I screamed. I screamed a scream that even scared me. It felt very involuntary and reminded me a lot of the screams Lizzy lets out when she has to go into her visit that she hates.

I immediately walked out of the room. Lizzy was screaming and crying because of me, Kobe was crying because he thought I was mad at him and S...well, she was just watching. It didn't seem to bother her at all.

After about 2 minutes, I came back, told Kobe I was sorry, made sure everyone was ok and then I cleaned it up.

People say, "Don't cry over spilled milk". Trust me, screaming doesn't help anything either.

I knew then that things couldn't keep going like they were.

I'm not super woman, I can't run around with the weight of the world on my shoulders and think that I can handle it. Eventually it comes to a head and when that happens to me it isn't pretty. I am a pretty emotionally charger person as it is...add in constant chaos and I'm not going to make it on my own.

So, obviously, something had to change and I knew that was me. And, lets just be honest, we all know when "everything hits the fan" it isn't just one thing, it's everything.

I tossed around the idea of putting the girls in respite care for 4 days but dropping them off with strangers again didn't seem fair to them. I was surprised when I mentioned it that Ben was the first to bring that up. He said that obviously I should do whatever needed to be done, even if it meant being done, but I was glad to see him care about the girls so much that he thought about what a 4 day break might mean for them. So, I decided that maybe if I just took most of the weekend off and went and did my own thing that it might be enough. Mr. Wonderful was behind me 100%..."What ever you need to do..." was his only concern and he didn't even blink about what I thought I needed to do. He is amazing.

So, after he got home early on Saturday I took off. I had a plan-God and I needed to talk. Since we all know that if my communication had broken down with God some where along the line it was because of me, I need to go find Him. He hadn't left, I did.

As I grabbed my Bible I wiped the dust off it literally. That is really fun to admit. Don't get me wrong, I pay attention in church, I google verses that come to mind, I read the verses that change on my side bar everyday, I read verses other people post, I look up verses to use in my posts...but, it was minimal and definitely not in a "hungry for God" kinda way, it was more of a "sprinkle Him in here or there" kinda way. Not enough.

As I was driving out to the beach with my Bible, notebook, pen and a list of passages to look up my purse fell of the seat next to me and this is what I saw:

You know what is under the diapers and the coupons? My Bible. I thought it was a very good picture of what my life is like right now and what makes the to do list...and what doesn't.

I got to the beach and it was cloudy. It perfectly fit my mood.
I sat and read. And read. And read. You know how you can open the Bible, read a passage and get bored? Or you think about everything else that needs to be done? I was NOT having that problem, it became quite obvious very quickly that my spirit was hungry, because I had been starving it.

Every passage I read spoke to me and I would read everything around it too so that I made sure that I understood the context in which it was meant to be taken. I didn't come to "cherry pick" the Bible...I needed to understand what it means when it says "You have not because you ask not" because I have asked and I haven't asked and I needed to understand...
It became very apparent that I had been very very mad at God. I didn't want to trust Him because things with S's case are NOT going the way I think they should. I didn't say it, or even allow myself to think it...much, but I thought God was wrong and He was messing up. I felt like He had set me up to get hurt and I was mad.

In my anger I had also been pushing away from Him in other areas too. I didn't trust Him because I felt like He was in the middle of betraying me. He was taking my little girl away, and I was furious.
You know what is so wonderful about God?

He knows all of that about me.

He knew I was mad and still loved me.

He knew I didn't trust He, yet He has been faithful.

He knew I wanted to strike out at Him and He pulled me close.

I left and He came after me.

I spent 5 hours on Saturday reading my Bible. I went from one passage to the next and it was captivating. I prayed and was finally able to be still and know that HE is God.

I could go on for quite some time about what He and I talked about, but to sum it up, we talked about everything.

I made a list of current sin in my life, once I got to #13 I stopped.

I made a list of things I do that are not working for me, once I got to #16 I stopped.

I made a plan for how to work on changing this.

I made a plan to eliminate the sin from my life. It won't be fulfilled until I get to Heaven but at least I have a GOAL!

I purchased the book Crazy Love and am loving reading through that.

Sunday I went to church at a different church. I sat with a foster mom who has been through ALL of this and lived to talk about it. We don't know each other well at all but her heart knows my heart better than most people in my life.

Sunday evening I went to a "prayer meeting" with the same church and was able to spend time worshiping the God that pursued me so much that I finally went running to Him.

One weekend isn't going to change everything, but I feel better and I know I am doing better.

I know that I trust God, no matter what.

One of my friends said it best:

"God gave her to you because He trusted you, now you have to trust Him enough to give her back to Him"

So, that's what I am doing, she has been His all along, but now, in my heart, I am giving her back.

“When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” (Psalm 94:18-19)