Today I Wanted to Quit.

Today I wanted to walk away. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted to sever any ties I had to these psychotic delusional bio parents. I wanted to drop kick this system THAT IS FAILING MY GIRLS out of my life. I wanted to run. I wanted to get as far away from it as I could.

Then it occurred to me-I can run. I can get away, but they can't.

I can walk away. I have options.

They don't.
See, I didn't realize when I started this that I was raising my hand and saying "Yes, I want to be there for a child that I didn't birth on their darkest day." "I want to love a child that just had their whole world ripped apart." "Yes, I want to bare their burden, as much as I can, for them on the hardest days."

I sit here and I finally realize that as hard as it is on me, they are the ones who are living this mess that weighs down every one near it. The emotions I feel probably can't touch theirs.
I am so tired of all of this. Can you imagine how tired they are of it all? I am so sad that I wasn't more ready to do this. I didn't realize that the exciting days of getting "a call" were going to be one of the scariest for my kids. It wasn't until I got the call for Lizzy that I got there. I was so excited to get her, I knew about her for a week or so before I got her, but I spent that week praying for this little girl that's life was about to be torn apart-again. I finally understood that I was excited but she would be scared.
All day I have had verses running through my head as I piece together why I am doing this.

The first one that came to mind was Galatians 6:2 "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ."

But them I found Romans 15:1 that says it so much better:

"Now we who are strong ought to bear the weakness of those without strength and not just please ourselves."
To be honest with you, I am sick of this hard part. I have gotten to the point where the sound of all this stuff with S ending is sounding really good. I had to remember today, that even in the mist of total turmoil, I am still the one that is here taking care of her, enjoying her, hearing her singing, laughing, asking me for things and calling me mom.
I have been given 4 beautiful treasures that have called me mom. One I get to keep, two haven't left yet and one has finally made it home to his own family. I wouldn't take it back. I wouldn't take any of it back. I can't give up either.

I could have said no. I could have chosen to keep my easy life. I could pretended I never heard God tell me to take care of kids that weren't mine, but for me that would have made me lukewarm. It would have meant that I only wanted the part of God that worked for me and not the part where I actually had to act out my faith.

"So then because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of my mouth." - Revelation 3:16

That's where I would have been. God would have wanted to spit me out of HIS mouth because I wasn't strong enough or willing to bare their burdens with them. It is hard enough being 26 and trying to deal with all this. Can you imagine being 3 years old and you have to do it whether you like it or not. They have no choices, but I do, and I choose them.

Even when I want to quit so bad, I choose them.