What a Mess

I could go on and on about the drama and mess that is Lizzy's situation, but that isn't what I want to talk about.

Today, August 5th, Lizzy has her first court date since being placed with me. There is even ridiculous drama concerning her court date and the lack of that being taken care of correctly as well. But, that isn't what I want to talk about either. (I probably won't know what went on at the court date until next week, the assumption is that "we'll see you in 3 months" is all the judge will have to say)

Anyway, I want to talk about 10 minutes out of my day yesterday.

Without going into EVERY detail, I want you to picture your 18 mo old child having to sit in a 10x8 room with a man she doesn't know with no one familiar around her.

I want you to picture the man now. Picture a dirty, extremely skinny, drugged out looking man.

Now, you are in the room with them. You have to encourage the little girl to go to this guy, at least interact with him, while she is protesting.

Sounds fun right? Well, so far what I have described was the easy part.

This is what Lizzy goes through at her visits. This is what I go through with her at her visits.

They go so badly that the social worker has me come in because Lizzy will scream the whole time if I don't.

At one point S had to go to the bathroom (yes, S & Kobe were in there with me too) so I snuck out to take her. 30 seconds later, all the way down at the bathroom, I could hear Lizzy go crazy. Screaming and crying as loud as she could. And trust me, she can be LOUD.

I have to give him credit, he tried to comfort her, but if you are a mama you know that it only made it worse. She didn't stop until Kobe beat me back to the room. She saw him and was relieved to say the least. At this point S had counseling and wouldn't go by herself with the counselor so Big Brother Kobe went with her, holding her little scared hand and all. That boy is going to be an amazing husband and father one day.

Anyway, so after they leave Lizzy won't go with out touching me while we are in the room with him because she thinks I might leave her if she lets go. I sit on the floor trying to encourage her to interact with him. She it sitting on me whatever way she can. I am sitting on the floor so I plop her down on the floor in front of me instead of on me but she is still touching me and leaning into me as much as she can. She realizes she isn't on me so she hops up and plops down on my leg. I am sure her theory was "if I sit on her she can't leave me".

I am sitting there watching my poor little Lizzy while he tries to interact with her. I have always tried to encourage the kids that these visits are fun, not scary, because it doesn't matter how they feel about them, they HAVE to do it. So, I am trying to act like this is fun and am encouraging her to interact with him still.

It is in this moment, when I am sitting there with Lizzy pushing her body into mine as much as she can to get away from him, protesting every time he talks to her or come near her, this peace came over me. It was like this wave of thankfulness finally took root in my heart. I was so thankful that I was the one who gets to go through this with her. I was so thankful she wasn't alone in this.

I hate these visits. They stress me out and are hard on me as well, but it doesn't matter. No matter what this little girl has to do this and I am one blessed mama to be chosen to walk through this with her. Every day it becomes more apparent that this little girl knows me as her mama. She is so young, before long all she will know is our family. We love her so much - no matter what.

And Lizzy, I will walk through 100's of these visits for you if I have to.

I am right where I want to be little girl, with you. We'll get through this.