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"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Grieving

From the minute I told our agency "yes" to taking S as a temporary placement I think I started the grieving process. If you are not familiar with it that make two of us because I don't sit around trying to remember things like that. But, right now I am smack dab in the middle of taking a class that is "teaching" us all about things we already know and is labeling somethings that we all experience all the time but don't over analyze.

The 7 Stages of Grief:

1. Shock & Denial

2. Pain & Guilt

3. Anger & Bargaining

4. Depression

5. The Upward Turn

6. Coping

7. Acceptance


Now, obviously if you read a lot or "google it" some people label it as the "5 stages of Grief" or they use different terms to describe these stages but it is all pretty much the same.

I think from the minute that I fell in love with S I decided to live in the DENIAL phase. When I would get too upset about the thought of her going home for good I would just think that "today is not that day and I'm not going to borrow sadness from that day" which is a good way to live in general but it did and has fed into my denial on the subject.

I have bounced around in my grieving process, going from denial, to bargaining, back to denial and so on and so on.

Well, obviously we still have a couple months to get through but I have for the time being landed towards the end of this process. I am hovering right above accepting this situation for what it is. It still makes me sad and I still DO NOT LIKE IT, but I am doing the best I can.

I am BEGGING GOD to get my mind and heart on the same side as HIS. The side that is going to win in this situation. I have been asking HIM to some how make me fight for her to go home as well. And let me tell you, I don't want to fight for it. But I will.

I am going to do everything I can to make sure S is getting the best possible chance she can have in this life. I am taking care of doctor visits and paper work. I am keeping up to date records and am fully prepared to make sure the judge sees EVERYTHING they need to see prior to them letting her go home. Good or Bad.

I am fighting for her. Not to keep her but for her.

And it sucks. And I hate it. BUT, I wouldn't change meeting her. I wouldn't change being her "Mom" for 6 months. I wouldn't trade that away to get rid of the hurt as much as it sucks.

And, as always, I sit back and laugh as I shake my head and think "...and to think, I signed up for this."


The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of my Lord.

9 comments:

Faith said...

i totally admire your efforts. i have a REALLY hard time with kids going back to their parents and maybe it's just the cases we've had to work with, but it's really hard to know what kind of life they have now and what kind of life they'd have to go back to and to somehow work toward putting them back in that. confusing this is. but you seem to really have a good attitude about it and I *TOTALLY* admire that! thanks for the encouragement!

spng7 said...

I have no words for this. The feelings must br right under the skin. God bless.

Vicki Aeschliman said...

I love you guys! You are the best and we will be praying for you.

Rebekah said...

The tug of war in your heart must be so great. I felt many similar emotions when we first brought Ty "home" from the hospital. I saw the devastation in Rebekah and really questioned whether we were really what was best for Ty.

It's amazing how many stages it takes for God to really sharpen and refine our hearts.

Everyday he's taking us from glory to glory to glory.

I'm so glad you're on this earth doing the work of our father. You my friend are changing the world...no matter how difficult it might be.

gram said...

You, Ben and Kobe have provided S. with a great family unit that she had not been exposed to and provided S. with with some great building blocks that will influence her future. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

Lindsay said...

You have brought me to tears..... what a selfless thing to do, fight for her! Praying for all of you and the rest of your journey!

Shelly Marie said...

WE completely understand what you are going through!!! We just sent out our 2nd homestudy papers today and hopefully it will be our last. =)
I never really went through #1 on your list...I think i went straight to #3..lol Then God gaves us a peace of accepting (#7) Taiwan's decision and then we just pray for what GOD wanted to see happened with the boys. That is all you can do.
Love you guys!!!

Becca B. said...

Amen!

Only a foster mom can understand the emotions...the roller coaster we are on.

Your awesome, and you, S, and all of your family will be better for this relationship, and ALL of it will be to God's glory.

Kelli said...

I have tears streaming down my face right now. You are just an incredible woman and I have so much to say but no words right now.