-

"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Thursday, December 10, 2009

What I want to say

I want to sit here and complain about how ridiculous it is that the judge, out of nowhere, decided S could have her first at home visit ON CHRISTMAS DAY.

I want to tell everyone how we were told that WOULD NOT HAPPEN - not even a chance.

I honestly want to sit here and complain and complain and complain about how this is not what I thought was going to happen. Not right now at least.

But I can't.

And I am going to tell you why.

You know what would ruin my Christmas?

You know what would absolutely be the worst thing ever?

Wanting to be with Kobe and someone telling me "No, you can't see him on Christmas. In fact, he can't live with you anymore and you can only see him 1 hour a week".

That would be it. That would be the worst thing-and maybe the only thing that could ruin Christmas for me. And that hasn't happened.

But it did happen to S's mom.

Yes, I see it as her fault.

No, I am not sure it is a good idea for her to go back there.

But, in a weird way it is a Christmas miracle. Not for us, but for S's mom & grandma it is.

You know, they told me they weren't even going to celebrate Christmas this year because S wasn't going to be with them. They didn't put up a tree, they didn't make plans, they were going to sit at home like it was any other day of the week.

No, I am not trying to make them sound like they are victims of some injustice - but no matter who you are or what you have done that sounds like a horrible horrible Christmas.

I'm not too worried about S's safety, mildly yes, extremely no.

S is honestly the only bright spot in their lives that I have ever heard them mention. The rest of their lives, all the situations they are in sound like total crap. Partly their fault and partly just how their lives are.

As much as I wanted to strangle someone, today I can't seem to shake a tiny bit of happiness I feel as a mom for another mom. It makes me feel crazy because I didn't want this but I can see a little bit of good in it.

To end up doing what we are doing you have to at least have a tiny bit of compassion for people. Just people in general. They are human and God loves them as much as He loves me.

And maybe He just wants them to see that.