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"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Friday, April 30, 2010

“You can only love Christ as much as the person you love the least.” ~ Scott Bondy

I was reading a blog post over here and the first line was this:



“You can only love Christ as much as the person you love the least.” ~ Scott Bondy



Wow. For years now I haven't had anyone to really label under "the least" ... and then enters the world of foster care. Immediately S's mom and grandma came to mind.


Tuesday night I was sitting at the computer reading who knows what and all the sudden a huge sense of grief came over me and all I could think of was S's mom. I felt a heaviness for her. Here she has been told she is getting her daughter back in May and now is being told something to the effect of "3 more months and we told you you didn't have to move out and now you do have to and no, you can't be alone with her."


Unfortunately, she is her own undoing but God doesn't see her that way. I see her for her actions, but God sees her as a sinner that needs HIM, exactly like me. The only difference is I have HIM.


Then I felt like God asked told me to take a picture of S with my phone and send it to her telling her S loves her.


I did NOT want to.


I have so many excuses to not be nice to her it isn't even funny.


But, as Rebekah says, "But God..."


He can be very pushy when He wants to and I have been praying that when He tells me to do something I will do it with no questions asked.


So, I went outside and took a picture of our daughter smiling and sent it with this message:

Ur beautiful girl wanted to tell u she loves u. i felt like God wanted o to know she loves u and thinks about u. have a good nite.


She wrote back:

Tell her i love her to and that i miss her! Thank you that made my day! Love ya


It isn't always easy to see people the way God sees them. But I pray one day I do.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Someone is turning 3 Very soon.

Someone is turning 3 May 9th.


Someone is really excited about it.


Someone keeps telling me she wants one of EVERYTHING for her birthday.


Especially if Dora the Explorer is on it.


Some one won't get home until 7 pm the day of her birthday.


So, we will be having her birthday party (THAT I WAS SO WORRIED SHE WOULDN'T BE HERE TO CELEBRATE WITH US) May 11, 2010.


Yes, it's a Tuesday.


Our life it odd right now so we have to do it when we can.


Come if you can, if not don't. :)


Also, keep in mind she will be having a hearing on the 19th that could go either way, she may go home, she may stay. If you want to make sure you see her before then, come.


OFFICIAL DETAILS:


Date: Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Time: 5 pm

We will have dinner for ya.

Hope you can come. RSVP if you can.



-Leah

(who is super excited to celebrate my daughter's 3rd birthday!)


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Memorial Box Tuesday


Years ago, back when Kobe was around two, there was a lady I met at church. She was adopting from China and I was enthralled with her story. I said all the wrong things like, "You know you are going to get pregnant as soon as your baby gets here, right?" (a big no-no in the adoption world). I was just young and naive to why most people adopted and had no intention of saying anything that would hurt her feelings. She didn't miss a beat, she just smiled and told me that she would be thrilled if that happened.

Anyway, I don't know how it came up in conversation, I believe it was my mother in law who heard that the agency who they were adopting through had more babies then families to take them...and that moment was when my heart opened to adoption.

I knew we weren't ready to adopt, didn't have the money and were flat out too young, literally. We did not meet the requirements to adopt from China age wise yet. But after that, for years, I always saw myself with a little asian looking girl. I would daydream constantly about adopting from China. Just adopting in general too. It always was about a little asian girl.

When we finally decided to adopt, then felt very led to try to adopt through foster care I though that my daydreams were never going to come true. I was excited to be on the road to doing what God wanted us to do, but I just figured that foster care would not be where my little asian girl came from. Maybe there was no little asian girl in my future.

And then came S.

My first "2 year old caucasian" foster daughter got out of her other foster mom's car and I saw for the first time the girl I had daydreamed about for years. The girl that God had laid on my heart all those years ago, back when Ben and I thought foster care was the worst idea ever and that we would never do anything like that.

The "2 year old caucasian" girl was tan, had dark brown asian eyes and wispy light brown hair. She was listed as caucasian because mom was caucasian, but dad was chinese.

When I saw her I knew she was mine.

I just didn't know for how long.

And I still don't know for how long.

But, I still thank God for showing her to me all those years ago. For holding her in my heart all this time. For letting me fall in love with her before I ever knew who she was.

If you ever meet/have met S you will notice she is quiet, most would describe her as unfriendly for the most part, and through this back and forth plan to reunite her with her mom she has had days where she is so with drawn that she won't talk to anyone but me. She has been through a lot and it being put through a lot. Her little body has been mangled by surgery. She will need plastic surgery to try to correct what the tumor did to her. Her little legs and feet are turned in and make her fall all the time.

And, still, she is the prettiest little girl I've ever seen. When she wraps her arms around me and comes up and kisses me and tells me she loves me and that I'm her "best friend" she melts my heart. She is who she is. And we seem to fit together perfectly.

And, for the record, before K came here I was convinced that our next foster child would be a little african american boy. He just kept popping into my head. And now he is here too.

God has called Ben and I to do the hardest thing we have ever set out to do. Find our kids through foster care.

Sometimes I get sick of all the hurdles and "the system" and think that we should just stop and sign up with an adoption agency to find us our kids. But I still can't justify doing it that way. I don't want to sit on a list waiting for years for a baby that hundreds of other people are waiting for. I honestly believe that isn't where God needs us to be.

I don't feel led to adopt from what I see is basically another country's foster care system. I think that for us that is not the right fit, but I PRAISE GOD for those that do. Those kids need mommies and daddies so badly. Just like the kids here do too.

God calls us all to do something different. Many days I am heavy with grief over what foster care is doing and has done to my kids. It is heavy. It is hard. But I love the kids.

God is doing something. I don't know what it is or how it will all turn out, but I know HE IS DOING SOMETHING.

I can't wait to see what it is.


*There is a new little image that keeps popping into my head. Telling me about who I think will be the next member of this crazy family. But for now, I am going to keep those details under wraps. I am really excited to see how God gets this one to us!*


Also, there is a new post up under this one if you want to check it out.


"And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You."

So....



I got a call today.



Well, actually yesterday because I am post dating this blog post.



The call was from S's social worker.



I thought she was just calling to see how things went this weekend.



She told me she talked to S's mom's therapist.



The therapist told her that S's mom is not approved for unsupervised visits.



The therapist said that S should not be alone with her mom right now.



I know what you are thinking.






She does.



Grandma is "supervising" those visits.



As of today, Monday, at 3 pm, S's worker plans on suggesting at the next hearing that S stay in foster care, that she only has supervised visits at the agency, and what sounds like 3 more months of therapy for her mom while S remains in foster care.



All of that could change in a moment.



And now I feel a glimmer of hope.









I have gotten to the point where I almost hate hope.



I feel excited/sick when I hear something that may mean S will stay with us.



And then I hear HIM.



"She isn't gone yet..."



"She hasn't been taken from you yet..."



"She was only supposed to be with you for 3 months..."



"And no matter what, I am still with you..."



In all honesty I am waiting for them to call and say even though the therapist said "don't do it" they will still be sending her home.



At the same time I am still waiting to see God do a miracle.



I know how ever this ends good will come. Good will come out of it. Good will come after it.



Good has always been here.



GOD has always been here.




"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD."

Monday, April 26, 2010

Can I write a post without complaining about the people my kids were with this weekend? Let's find out.

K got home around 4 pm Sunday and S got home around 7pm.

I thought it was funny that both kids asked if we could go to Grandpa & Grandma's house as soon as they got here. I think they both miss our weekend visits to both our parent's homes.

They were excited to be home so to calm them down around 8 pm I read them books and Ben made them hot chocolate. It worked. Bedtime was easier than normal. I have a feeling we will be doing that almost every Sunday night.

But, this Sunday night I won't be here! I will be in Florida and my awesome husband will be home alone with 3 kids. The funny part is I am pretty sure he will have the house clean, the kids organized and fed better than I do! I will have everything ready for him so that will take a lot of the work out of it. He is such a good dad, nothing phases him, even from these two!

Well, I did it. Notice how short the post was? :)

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Not too much new going on here.

S is at her mom's house. Her mom tried to bail on her this weekend claiming she had no money for gas. When I dropped her off with mom and gma s's mom seemed very stressed. She claims it is about $ and needing to get a release signed to her counselor...


K is at his "new family's house. Has been since Wednesday night. I think they are starting to see little things that are making them really mull over this decision and when I mentioned him moving to their home in early May they acted like that was coming way too soon and they needed more time. If I had agreed to adopt a child I would be rushing things to get them home, not trying to stretch them out as long as possible. I do know they are trying to take their time and do what is right for everyone, I just hope the right thing is for them to adopt K because, after spending so much time with them, I think he would be crushed if they just decided not do to it.


Kobe is...Kobe. He is spending the day with his dad while I go to work today. I am so happy my boys get a lazy day. They both need it!

One week from today my sister and I will get on a plane and head to Florida! I am already making a million lists in my head about what I need to prepare for Ben to make things as easy as possible for him while I am gone. I am going to make some meals to throw in the freezer for dinners, I am going to pack Kobe lunches for the 2 days I won't be there for school, and I think I am going to get all the kids' outfits ready for each day I am gone. His life will be easier without 3 kids coming to him for socks that are who knows where every 5 minutes. :)


“For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.” (1 Peter 1:18-19)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Peace in this House

I love this picture. It is so K. He loves having his hands on everyone's face.

I am looking forward to having peace in this house. About a month ago I had had it. I was sick of the passive aggressive behavior. I was sick of the demanding behavior. I was sick of the weird sexual vibe going on that was coming from K. The last straw was K peeing on some of Ben's clothes he had left on the bathroom floor that morning.

I did something I am not proud of, I called and asked that K be removed.

Ever since K has come here I have had SEVERAL instances when I called Ben and said "I am calling to have him removed." and I just never could bring myself to do it. I wanted so badly to make sure, despite all of his issues, that he would go to a good home that could handle him. I couldn't bring myself to call and then have him go to a home that was back in the worst part of Flint that truly only wanted him there for "the money."

So, every time I would call Ben and tell him I was calling to have him removed I never could go through with it. Until about a month ago.

Some days it has been so weird around here.

It is hard to worry about what a kid is going to do in the middle of the night while everyone else is sleeping.

It is hard to have to go check on him every 2 minutes to make sure he wasn't "doing anything" to S.

It is hard to ask a child a question and have then stare back at you trying to make up a lie in their head that won't get them in trouble.

It is hard to have your 4 yr old boy head butt your 2 year old girl in the face.

It is hard to have your 4 yr old boy bite your 7 yr old and leave a mark on him.

It is hard to have your 4 yr old boy hit your 2 yr old nephew in the face because he didn't like what the 2 yr old said.

IT HAS BEEN HARD.

Yet again, I have been lost in a seas of confusion when it comes to how to handle this. It still boiled down to the fact that right then the ONLY people who truly had K's best interest at heart was Ben and I. And we both were ready to move on and give up.

So, I called his social worker. He acted like it was no big deal, "turn in a written 2 week notice and they would move him." I then called his adoption worker and told her because I knew she would care and actually try to do something. Which she did. She immediately started to pull every family that she thought would be interested in adopting him and got to work.

I never turned in the written two week notice.

I never officially went on record as asking to have him moved.

I wanted his next move to be permanent.

I think his next move will be permanent.

I have stuck it out for about a month since calling. Since he has been going to visit his soon to be family he basically has been using all his good behavior up at their house and giving me the rest which is, yet again, hard.

But, I want to do what is BEST for him. I believe we ARE doing what is best for him.
I love that little boy, but I breathed such a sign of relief when he left last night for his 5 days visit with them. It has made me so sad to see how relieved I am to have some time away from him. There are days that he is "enjoyable" but he is just so stressful. So emotionally hard to be in charge of.

I has been hard.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. Part of me will definitely miss him, but the other part of me will be relieved, my stress level will lower and I will feel like we accomplished what we were meant to in his life. We were his safe place while he waited for his family. I will always feel BLESSED to have been that for him. As hard as it has been I will never REGRET being that for him. I have given it my best and I am happy his next stop will be HOME.






Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Why not run off to Florida in the middle of chaos?

Obviously May will be a crazy month with both kids potentially leaving. We also are in the middle of finishing our basement, working on landscaping and redoing the exterior of the house...very very slowly. So, in the middle of all of this my sister and I are going to run off to Florida for a long weekend to see my Grandpa who has been in and out of the hospital recently.
I am so excited that he is stable and doing "ok" right now and that God has given us this time, May 1st - 4th, to run down there. I am so excited to go down to visit him as apposed to going down for a funeral.

This week has ended up being the big week that K will go stay with his family for 5 days! I could use a break and he is so excited about it that this will be wonderful for everyone I assume.

Well, I'm off to back up 5 days worth of stuff, he leaves tonight.

Monday, April 19, 2010

The Kid's weekend review

K just loves his "family". He was with them all weekend and had a blast. He went to church with them and told me how you say "Peace be with you" to everyone. They are practicing catholics.

When he came back to our house he got all teary and said he wanted to go back to their house. Of course I am thrilled that he likes them so much but it makes you feel weird too to have a kid that would rather be with someone else.

I called K's new mom (they had called and said they would like to take him from this Wed. - Sun. for their 5 day visit) and had such a great talk with her. I told her how he had said he wanted to go back to her house and she was relieved to hear that because at her house he had said he was ready to come home (back to our house) which had, in her words, brought her into reality that he has another home that is more his home than her house is and it made her worry that "they weren't enough". I told her how much he seems to just LOVE them and she told me how he refers to her as "you wrinkly old lady" instead of calling her by her name. She laughed as she said it and I was a little horrified but not surprise coming from K. She said that she asked him why he thought she looked old and he said "Because you have white hair and wear glasses at night". She is a blond and at night wears glasses so she said that made her feel better :). K had come home and told me "I called L!$@ (if you guess at all the symbols I used you will figure out what new mom's name is) an old lady and she laughed" and I was glad to hear the whole story. Leave it to K...even at the grocery store this morning he yelled out "LOOK AT THAT OLD MAN!" - he is so polite :/

Anyway, I was glad to hear he wanted to come home, especially since he acts like he is so sad when he comes back. It is sad too to see he be pulled like that but I encourage him to like them, talk about them, call them and be excited about going to their house. I truly think he likes them a lot, as much as us if not more. L!$@ said that he talks about us, me in particular. Tells her "Mom let's me____" fill it the blank. She said she was stunned when she put him in time out and he just sat there until it was done. Everything is going good, I am excited.


S's visit seemed uneventful out side of Grandma telling me that CPS got called on them AGAIN. I don't know what that is about, S's social worker hadn't heard about it so I don't know if they are making it up or what. Not that anyone would do anything anyway...whatever.
Also, S's mom wants to have a birthday party for S with all of our family too. I don't know how I want to handle that. She said S has never had a big birthday party and that at her 1st birthday party no one came. Like, seriously, no one came besides who lived in the house with them. Sad, isn't it. So, I don't know, I think I will work with her to plan a party and go from there. Her birthday is May 9th, Sunday. That is probably the day it would be on.


On another note, Kobe had a great weekend, especially with Ben. He wanted to get a new video game so I had him pick out several old ones and we took them to game stop and he and Ben turned them in and paid less than $2 for a new one that Kobe really likes. He made Ben play with him for quite a while on Saturday night and Sunday. We had a great weekend running around with just him. He got to go out to Grandma Corey's house and then out to see Amanda & Todd's new house and had fun playing with the kids. Sunday we went over to my Grandpa's house and the kids played on the 4 wheeler and outside. He had a blast. We had a great weekend really, it was almost odd to see how easy it was for the three of us to just "go back to normal".

Saturday, April 17, 2010

This is NOT normal-but it's our normal.




It is a QUIET Saturday morning here.


No little kids getting up at the crack of dawn.


No little kids asking me to make them 17 different breakfasts.


No little kids asking me to turn on the TV while I am in the middle of making one on the 17 breakfasts they ask for.


No little kids drinking their drinks as fast as they can so they can ask me for something different to drink.


No. Little. Kids.


Kobe is so EASY. It is ridiculously easy to have a child that is able to do almost everything he needs himself.


He is still the typical only child and plays so well by himself.


It is dreadfully quiet around here and I love it...and hate it.


I am sad S is at her mom's house.


I am glad K is with his adoptive family for the weekend.


So many mixed emotions.


This is not normal.


But it is our normal.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Mission: Hide Vegetable in Food

FAIL.


Lol, a couple weeks ago Money Saving Mom was hosting her monthly Freezer cooking weekend. While I do not have a deep freezer I have come up with some creative ways of my own to cook ahead so that weekly meal don't take so much time. I though I would share with you a good idea gone bad.


I decided I was going to make some meat balls and freeze them (that was ultimately my step that ended the whole project in FAILURE).

I wanted to hide veggies in them because Mr. Kobe is a butt and won't eat veggies. I can't imagine why, seeing how I never made him eat them...ever and all I ate while I was pregnant was candy. I just don't see how this plan of getting him to eat healthy failed me :)

Ok, anyway, I had a random assortment of veggies in the fridge so I chopped them up really small and sautéed them.
Them I took a lb of turkey burger...
...threw in some bread crumbs...
...and an egg....
...then mixed them all together and made them into little balls and baked them.
When I took them out of the oven and tried them they were good and I knew the kids would eat them. But, I then made the fatal mistake of putting them in the freezer. When I went to use them with pasta and tomato sauce a week later they were all mushy :/

The kids ate them and so did Ben and I but they weren't good. Next time if I make them we will eat them right away. So that was a freezer meal no-no.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Weather

Isn't that what you talk about when there is nothing else to talk about? Not that there is nothing else to talk about right now but the weather here has been so amazingly beautiful we find ourselves outside every evening with the kids!

Kobe runs around, constantly wants to play with the hose and is getting a crazy good arm when it come to tossing the foot ball around.

S is into coloring our driveway with calk and wants to follow me around. She also enjoys watering our grass seed I put down last night and the day before.

K likes all the same things as S and also is into riding his scooter around, getting into any water he can and tries out tossing balls around with us too.

We love these kids, already this morning K has been testing my patience, he did yesterday too, but no matter how much these two challenge me they are worth every second of this.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Spring Break

I don't have many pictures from Kobe's spring break, I have not been doing too good in that dept.

Anyway, after Kobe had been off for a few days I was thinking that, because we didn't go away on vacation like last year, we needed to at LEAST do something special for just Kobe. The problem was I didn't have time to really plan anything! I was/am swamped with work, I have two little ones crawling all over me all the time and over spring break was when K was going out with his future family every other day so...I was fried mentally.

I was so thrilled when Ben texted me and said he was offered opening day ticket to the Tigers! Ben is so sweet, he asked if I wanted to take him, but I told him that Kobe needed a day with just Dad.
They had a BLAST and FROZE! :) Kobe was just thrilled and got to get a "silver Tiger's baseball" that he was hoping to get! It was a long day all about him and I was just glad God had planned such a great days for my boys when I couldn't!
HE TRULY DOES NOT MISS A THING!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

K's New Family

I am not really in the mood to hash thru anything too deep but I thought I write a little bit about the "New Mom".

I want you to picture a late 30's thin blond woman, pretty in a nice normal kind of way that doesn't talk a lot but is friendly. She is probably around 5'2 and dresses normal/nicely.

She is a care taker, you can see it, but not overly bubbly and doesn't act like "I am already your mother", at least too much in front of me.

K just loves being at their house. They have a park near their house and K enjoyed "going for a walk to the park." Two times now he has cried when they drop him off. He was utterly exhausted both times and didn't really want to be comforted by any of them but wanted me to hold him. I do think he was sad to see them go.

I have NEVER seen him react this way to anyone and I think it is a good thing. He seems to really like the mom though, more that the sister or the dad. He talks about her a lot and when they called last night (when they dropped him off the last time I encouraged them to call or let their daughter call to talk to K so that he would know that they were still thinking about him) he was most excited to talk to the mom. At the end of the call, he was still talking to the mom, he said "I love you!" It was so cute, especially since K wasn't like that when he first came here. He wasn't used to being hugged, he would stiffen in your arms if you hugged him, he still does a little, but I remind him to "squeeze" and he does. I never thought I would be teaching kids how to hug, teaching them why you say "I love you" to someone, it has been sad to see but over all by far the best part of this job is seeing these kids show affection and emotion. Seeing him be comfortable enough to say "I love you" to her like he does to me made me smile.

It is odd seeing him transfer all that so quickly but, K is just kinda like that, plus it just seems right. He seems like the missing piece of their family. It has taken a lot of my guilt away. I have felt horribly guilty for not deciding to adopt him but I truly am starting to see why we felt that way, why he never seemed like ours. I am so happy to see that we felt that way for a good reason!

Monday, April 12, 2010

This weekend - where should I start?

Should I start with handing S off to her mom?


or handing K off to his adoptive family?


or Kobe telling me while the kids were gone "It's like I'm a normal kid"


or should I tell you about how God answered the whispers of my heart by handing my husband 2 opening day tickets to the Tigers so that Kobe could have a day all about him?


should I talk about K coming home and being in love with his potential new mom?


or about S coming home with cupcakes covered in dog hair?


or the size 24 months clothes she was dressed in?


Should I go on and on about how hard it is having kids all going in different directions and getting them back tired and crabby Every. Single. Time.


Things foster care wise around here are getting kinda rough.


Things family wise around here are going great.


It is like there is always a little bit of bad hovering over all of the GOOD.


And it all comes from one source.


I don't know what to do with that.

Friday, April 9, 2010

MARE

click here


I find it odd that they say he likes to ride his bike and play with trucks because i have never seen that.

Coloring Easter Eggs

The Friday before Easter we colored Easter Eggs! The weather was so gorgeous that I decided (with three busy little people to deal with) that the driveway looked like a good place to deal with all that dye!


I had the kids all put on clothes that I didn't care about getting ruined so they could just go crazy. They each had about a dozen eggs to color. K did not remember ever coloring eggs before so both he and S didn't know exactly what was going on but once they did they were really into it.
My parents came over to color eggs with the kids. My dad shook his head and laughed about the whole time because S managed to drop/crack every one of her eggs. Every time she touched one you could hear it crack. It was pretty funny.
Kobe took the whole thing very seriously. He was very careful and Grandpa showed him how to dye half and egg one color and the other half another color.
S dyed most of her eggs pink. She is obsessed with pink. She calls every color pink and only wants pink juice and pink clothes and pink everything. I have never encouraged this, so seeing it come naturally is so cute to me. She is my girly girl.


I let the kids dye them how ever they wanted, how ever many TIMES they wanted. Then we put stickers on them.

Yes, S has on black fairy wings. She said she needed them on for the picture.

If you want to see the kids' faces click here

Thursday, April 8, 2010

To keep you up to date:

I will post more pictures later.


K had a great time with "his family" yesterday. He seems to love spending time with them which is awesome. He came home exhausted (no nap) and will be spending the night there Friday. There is a big team meeting today to plan out the transition from our house to the adoptive home. The adoption worker is saying that she wants him to spend two full weekends at their home before the move. I believe K will be living with his adoptive family by the end of the month. Praise God!


S's situation is stomach turning. The uncle who is the whole reason she was removed from the home was the subject of the phone call I mentioned. According to the court paper work he was allowed to be in the home at Christmas time (while she was there) as long as he didn't spend the night. They have decided to apply this to her current visits (at least her mom's attorney has) and no one seems to want to look into current paper work so they have decided to do NOTHING.


Kobe is home this week for Spring Break. He had fun at Grandma Wentzel's house Monday, went with Ben to basket ball on Tuesday, hung out with all of us and my sister and the boys at Burger King Wednesday, we are going to hang out with one of my cousins and her kids today and I am hoping to let him pick something fun to do this weekend that is all about him.

Keep us in your prayers. We are coming into a rocky season in our lives, as if it hasn't been rocky enough through this foster care stuff. Pray for the protection off ALL of our kids' hearts. They are why Ben and I get up in the morning. They are what is important and they can't protect them selves. Kobe seems to be handling all this very well but I am praying God protects his heart as things change around here.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

No news and information over load

I have not heard from S's worker since the one phone call. I called her lawyer to make sure someone who ACTUALLY DOES SOMETHING knows about the problem.

Also, last night turned into an interesting night. K has been going on visits with this family that thinks they want to adopt him. They have had 3 visits now and they all have gone great and I think they really like him and I think he likes them too.
I don't know how to explain it but ever since I met these people I have had a feeling that once they adopt K they would have no interest in him staying in contact with us. They are nice people, good people, but it was just a vibe I was getting. Anyway, I called to firm up plans with them last night for today (he is going over to their house today for the day) and I finally just asked him (the dad is the talker of the two) if K wanted to maintain a relationship with us if they were open to that. And, in all honesty he didn't give me a straight answer but it kinda ended up sounding like they would be willing to send us updates on him but I think they are thinking it is better for him if he is emersed in their family and life so that he understands who his family is.

In a way, I couldn't agree more. I can see myself doing that if I was them. Ben and I both agreed that we could understand where they are coming from. Ben said that considering the fact that K calls me mom and him dad and he actually likes it here is probably a big factor because he needs to look at them as mom and dad and perhaps having us around would make things confusing, especially if he wanted to come and visit us. Ben and I both want what is best for K and I do truly believe that being in his permanent family IS what is best for him. It makes me sad to think that the day they take him to live with him might be the last time I ever talk to him...but what a great day that will be for him - to finally be going home.

So, we will see what they do and how they do it, but for now I have to prepare to not see or talk to a little boy who has called me mom for the rest of his life. That just doesn't seem right to me to tell you the truth. I think people need to realize that these kids have been dealt a crappy hand in life but THIS IS THEIR LIFE. This is their normal and sometimes they are just going to have to live with it. He has a family who loves him and that he loves. I just don't want him to think we don't want to see him, because that isn't the case.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Phone call

An anonymous phone call was made to D(H)S concerning S. It was from someone stating they had observed some things going on in the house that S goes to for her weekend visits that are "against the rules of the visits".

I don't know what they are going to do.

S's Easter Weekend Visit

Poor S. She was still sick when she got picked up but she was happy to see her mom and Grandma, well, she smiled when she saw them but didn't act crazy excited or anything.

The only time I heard from them was the medicine incident.

They didn't go to Easter eggs hunts or church on Sunday, they did color eggs (she brought one home to give each of us) and had a little toy that her Great Aunt had given her when she went to their house.

I had arranged to pick her up at 7:30 pm instead of 7 pm so we didn't have to rush our day. I went to pick her up at 7:30 pm and they weren't there. So, I called. No one answered. Then her mom called me back.

She said they were almost there but then said, "I have to warn you, she is VERY upset." I asked what she was doing and she said she was very upset and that S said "I don't want to go to Leah's house". Of course this hurt very badly to hear. And, it didn't make sense to me. I hung up with her and sat in the car, alone, asking God why EVERY STEP of this has to be so hard! Of course this was Easter Day and all the response I seemed to get from God was "What I had to do wasn't easy either." Often my situation boils down to me having to "die to self". This all HURTS but it is what God called me to do. It isn't about anything other than doing something that honors HIM.

Anyway.

So, they pull into the parking lot, drive around the back and pull along side of my car AND S IS IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THE VAN, NO CAR SEAT, JUST SITTING THERE.

What the...

Because S's mom had said she was upset I had decided to stay in the car and let her mom have a minute, I didn't want to rush S if she was having a hard time. Well, she was in the front of their car so she could see me through the window. As soon as she saw me she LIT UP WITH A HUGE SMILE AND WAVED VERY EXCITEDLY. Hmmmm...that doesn't go along with the "I don't want to go to Leah's house" situation does it?

She couldn't get out of the car fast enough. She was in her mom's arms with a big smile for me showing me eggs in her hands she had colored for me. I was relieved she was so happy but I was standing there thinking, what is going on?

Her mom put her in my car and she sat in there gleaming from ear to ear. She was more excited than she normally is to come home. Her mom stepped away from the car and while Grandma said goodbye to S she said to me, "Saturday S was freaking me out. She was DEMANDING that we take her to your house. She would point at the car and say "I go to Leah's house. I want to go to Leah's house." I asked her if she wanted to call you and she said NO, I GO TO LEAH'S HOUSE."

And then it all made sense. S's mom has done this to me before. When S does something that hurts her feelings she will lie and say she did it at me, and then when the truth will come out. It is so weird and obviously no sane person acts like this so obviously, but she isn't all there. I can't imagine my child, who sees me once a week, demanding I take her back to her foster home. Talk about a knife to the heart.

I talked with Grandma about what happened in the car and she said that S had acted a little pouty about leaving them but she didn't cry or anything.

I also asked her about S being in the front seat, and she said they had just let her hop out when they pulled in the parking lot. I don't know what to think of all that because the weeks prior she seemed to have this weird obsession with sitting up front, she would ask me if she could ride up front and obviously the answer is no, so I don't know what these people are doing.

Anyway, I just have to add, if my kid was demanding to go back to the foster home I certainly wouldn't tell the foster mom about it. I honestly believe God MADE her say all of that, whether she wanted to or not, to give me peace and show me the truth. What she said had really hurt me, but God cared enough to bring the truth out. He is the only way I get through any of this.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Is it funny?

S's mom called me tonight to ask me what I do to get S to take her antibiotics.



I choked back the laughter as I said, "I give them to her and she takes them."



She then asked me if I would talk to S and tell her to take them.

*insert hysterical laugh here*


No, I didn't really laugh at her.



I just told her to tell her to take them and that she could have juice afterwards.



She didn't call back so I am sure they figured out something.



She said that this morning when she was trying to give them to her she would turn her head and press her lips firmly shut.


That tickled me because she just drinks them right down here and runs off to play.


I think she just knows I don't fool around.


It is kinda dumb on my part, but I like it when she hassles her mom.




Friday, April 2, 2010

Chalk.











Thursday, April 1, 2010

The sick bay

Yesterday S's ear infection caused her to have a terrible fever. She had had two doses of her antibiotics but the fever came in HARD. Tylenol did nothing, I ended up taking her to the doctor around 3:30 pm at which time her temp was 102.2 but later that evening it spiked to 104.5! I was ready to take her to the ER but wanted to try everything I could to get it down with out going to the ER (at which I would have been sitting in a waiting room able to be nothing) so I put ice under her arms and cold wash clothes all over her (Kobe got those for me as I held S, she was so limp!) . What really scared me was her breathing, it was so labored. I got it to come down to 103.5 which isn't great but better. Ben finally got home with Motrin and I gave her that and within half an hour the temp was WAY down.

The kids love these fold up bed things my parents gave us. They hall them all over the house and when they are sick they are confined to them. Much more comfortable than the bathroom floor :)

In this picture you can't see it very well, but they both have the end of their bed things elevated, almost like a hospital bed. It cracks me up.

Saturday - the weather is turning





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