"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Peace in this House

I love this picture. It is so K. He loves having his hands on everyone's face.

I am looking forward to having peace in this house. About a month ago I had had it. I was sick of the passive aggressive behavior. I was sick of the demanding behavior. I was sick of the weird sexual vibe going on that was coming from K. The last straw was K peeing on some of Ben's clothes he had left on the bathroom floor that morning.

I did something I am not proud of, I called and asked that K be removed.

Ever since K has come here I have had SEVERAL instances when I called Ben and said "I am calling to have him removed." and I just never could bring myself to do it. I wanted so badly to make sure, despite all of his issues, that he would go to a good home that could handle him. I couldn't bring myself to call and then have him go to a home that was back in the worst part of Flint that truly only wanted him there for "the money."

So, every time I would call Ben and tell him I was calling to have him removed I never could go through with it. Until about a month ago.

Some days it has been so weird around here.

It is hard to worry about what a kid is going to do in the middle of the night while everyone else is sleeping.

It is hard to have to go check on him every 2 minutes to make sure he wasn't "doing anything" to S.

It is hard to ask a child a question and have then stare back at you trying to make up a lie in their head that won't get them in trouble.

It is hard to have your 4 yr old boy head butt your 2 year old girl in the face.

It is hard to have your 4 yr old boy bite your 7 yr old and leave a mark on him.

It is hard to have your 4 yr old boy hit your 2 yr old nephew in the face because he didn't like what the 2 yr old said.


Yet again, I have been lost in a seas of confusion when it comes to how to handle this. It still boiled down to the fact that right then the ONLY people who truly had K's best interest at heart was Ben and I. And we both were ready to move on and give up.

So, I called his social worker. He acted like it was no big deal, "turn in a written 2 week notice and they would move him." I then called his adoption worker and told her because I knew she would care and actually try to do something. Which she did. She immediately started to pull every family that she thought would be interested in adopting him and got to work.

I never turned in the written two week notice.

I never officially went on record as asking to have him moved.

I wanted his next move to be permanent.

I think his next move will be permanent.

I have stuck it out for about a month since calling. Since he has been going to visit his soon to be family he basically has been using all his good behavior up at their house and giving me the rest which is, yet again, hard.

But, I want to do what is BEST for him. I believe we ARE doing what is best for him.
I love that little boy, but I breathed such a sign of relief when he left last night for his 5 days visit with them. It has made me so sad to see how relieved I am to have some time away from him. There are days that he is "enjoyable" but he is just so stressful. So emotionally hard to be in charge of.

I has been hard.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. Part of me will definitely miss him, but the other part of me will be relieved, my stress level will lower and I will feel like we accomplished what we were meant to in his life. We were his safe place while he waited for his family. I will always feel BLESSED to have been that for him. As hard as it has been I will never REGRET being that for him. I have given it my best and I am happy his next stop will be HOME.


Created For His Glory said...

Thank you for not giving up. He doesn't give up on us when we mess up (over and over)... what a great message you tucked into his heart.... some people do live their faith.

StarfishMom said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. When I had the boys moved it was the HARDEST thing I've EVAR had to do. BUt I can tell you that making that decision has brough peace to our family. {Sometimes it's too quiet here!!!} God still has K in the palm of His hand!

Not Just A Birth Mom said...

I can honestly say that I understand! My parents used to foster in a group home, and we dealt with everything from petty theft, food hoarding, to keeping one sister from trying to kill the other (No, seriously. We had to lock the knife drawer after that one!). Just remember that God is always there with you and with K, and that he has a plan for this little boy.

cindy said...

Leah Dad and I agree, we are so thankful for the kindness, patience, love....all of it that you both and Kobe have shared with K. HE will for ever be changed!! GOD knew that he needed to be with you three. We have been blessed to be with him too. It is a wonderful feeling when you know that GOD has used you for HIS plan.
Love you!!

gram said...

I give you guys a lot of credit.