"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

S's Easter Weekend Visit

Poor S. She was still sick when she got picked up but she was happy to see her mom and Grandma, well, she smiled when she saw them but didn't act crazy excited or anything.

The only time I heard from them was the medicine incident.

They didn't go to Easter eggs hunts or church on Sunday, they did color eggs (she brought one home to give each of us) and had a little toy that her Great Aunt had given her when she went to their house.

I had arranged to pick her up at 7:30 pm instead of 7 pm so we didn't have to rush our day. I went to pick her up at 7:30 pm and they weren't there. So, I called. No one answered. Then her mom called me back.

She said they were almost there but then said, "I have to warn you, she is VERY upset." I asked what she was doing and she said she was very upset and that S said "I don't want to go to Leah's house". Of course this hurt very badly to hear. And, it didn't make sense to me. I hung up with her and sat in the car, alone, asking God why EVERY STEP of this has to be so hard! Of course this was Easter Day and all the response I seemed to get from God was "What I had to do wasn't easy either." Often my situation boils down to me having to "die to self". This all HURTS but it is what God called me to do. It isn't about anything other than doing something that honors HIM.


So, they pull into the parking lot, drive around the back and pull along side of my car AND S IS IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THE VAN, NO CAR SEAT, JUST SITTING THERE.

What the...

Because S's mom had said she was upset I had decided to stay in the car and let her mom have a minute, I didn't want to rush S if she was having a hard time. Well, she was in the front of their car so she could see me through the window. As soon as she saw me she LIT UP WITH A HUGE SMILE AND WAVED VERY EXCITEDLY. Hmmmm...that doesn't go along with the "I don't want to go to Leah's house" situation does it?

She couldn't get out of the car fast enough. She was in her mom's arms with a big smile for me showing me eggs in her hands she had colored for me. I was relieved she was so happy but I was standing there thinking, what is going on?

Her mom put her in my car and she sat in there gleaming from ear to ear. She was more excited than she normally is to come home. Her mom stepped away from the car and while Grandma said goodbye to S she said to me, "Saturday S was freaking me out. She was DEMANDING that we take her to your house. She would point at the car and say "I go to Leah's house. I want to go to Leah's house." I asked her if she wanted to call you and she said NO, I GO TO LEAH'S HOUSE."

And then it all made sense. S's mom has done this to me before. When S does something that hurts her feelings she will lie and say she did it at me, and then when the truth will come out. It is so weird and obviously no sane person acts like this so obviously, but she isn't all there. I can't imagine my child, who sees me once a week, demanding I take her back to her foster home. Talk about a knife to the heart.

I talked with Grandma about what happened in the car and she said that S had acted a little pouty about leaving them but she didn't cry or anything.

I also asked her about S being in the front seat, and she said they had just let her hop out when they pulled in the parking lot. I don't know what to think of all that because the weeks prior she seemed to have this weird obsession with sitting up front, she would ask me if she could ride up front and obviously the answer is no, so I don't know what these people are doing.

Anyway, I just have to add, if my kid was demanding to go back to the foster home I certainly wouldn't tell the foster mom about it. I honestly believe God MADE her say all of that, whether she wanted to or not, to give me peace and show me the truth. What she said had really hurt me, but God cared enough to bring the truth out. He is the only way I get through any of this.


the johnson crew said...

i am so sorry. i am so thankful to be past that phase... i remember how hard those days were, and all those painful emotions. i'm praying for you leah. and you are so right, what Christ did for us wasn't easy either.

StarfishMom said...

Babies are SO much easier to foster because they don't TALK!!! I'm glad you have the answers you deserve. I would DEFINITELY tell the caseworker about the lack of carseat thing. SCARY!! Leah, I know I've said it a MILLION times...but GOD IS ON CONTROL!!!

Jenn said...

I can only imagine how tough it can be, but just keep giving it to God!! You are in my prayers!

Rebekah said...

I, now, have a love-hate relationship with your blog. I love reading it because I love you and your family and the challenge I feel when I come, but I hate the weight of your words. The heaviness I feel for K and S. Especially S.

I know you only reconcile all of this because God is giving you grace to do so. But man, oh, man! It's all so hard to read.

The only rest I have is that God is in control. Of ALL things.

Unknown said...

I hope you can feel everyone's love surrounding you and know that you aren't alone. You have very good instincts and as long as you follow them and do as you know God wants you to, you'll be fine. He's guiding things the way they have to go. S knows you love her and she feels safe with you.

gram said...

I agree S. knows you guys love her so much. I sure hope and pray God answers our prayers quickly or lets us know what his plans are soon. I do know his plan will be what happens. So sad her mother uses S.

Becca B. said...

I fully agree with each of Starfish mom's comments!

S probably began asking to sit in the front after being allowed to with them...that is SOOOOO dangerous.