Since then, and directly after that time, I prayed and BEGGED God to get my head where it was supposed to be. To get me on board with her going home. If I had ever thought anything was impossible it was that. I honestly did not think I would ever be ok with her going home.
But, things have changed. God opened my eyes to a lot of things. Things that don't make sense to other people, but things that have made me some how be "on board" with her going home.
I guess that I have one thing that I hold on to for dear life when it comes to dealing with all of this:
S loves her mom and her mom loves her.
It is true. I can't deny it. Regardless of the attachment I have to S and she has to me and our family, I honestly think she wants to be with her mom. She was put in an impossible situation. Taken away from her mom and given to strangers. Obviously she is going to miss her mom. Obviously, after time, she would begin to love us. At the same time, we were brought to the same issue. We loved a little girl that isn't ours (legally).
I have opened up to S's mom. I talk to her on the phone. I try to encourage her. I try to be happy for her-and in many ways I do feel happiness for her when it comes to all this coming to an end.
So, I prepare to say good bye to my first daughter. It started with her spending Christmas with her other family. It continues every day when I hug her for a couple seconds longer than I normally would. It happens when I stare at her for an extra moment because before I know it she won't be here to stare at.
In all honesty, despite the sadness I feel, I am happy for S. I am happy for her mom. And I will gladly take the sadness that was brought by the joy we have had being her family for this time. It is an every day thing, me saying good bye to that little girl, but I would, and will, do it all over again. I will take the bad so I can enjoy the good. It is so so worth it.
I just found out the next hearing will be February 24th. Not in March as I though it would be.