"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Letting Go

The day I found out S would be going for an overnight visit for Christmas was the day that snapped me into reality. It was the day I quit "pretending" that maybe she wouldn't be going back to her biological mom.

Since then, and directly after that time, I prayed and BEGGED God to get my head where it was supposed to be. To get me on board with her going home. If I had ever thought anything was impossible it was that. I honestly did not think I would ever be ok with her going home.

But, things have changed. God opened my eyes to a lot of things. Things that don't make sense to other people, but things that have made me some how be "on board" with her going home.

I guess that I have one thing that I hold on to for dear life when it comes to dealing with all of this:

S loves her mom and her mom loves her.

It is true. I can't deny it. Regardless of the attachment I have to S and she has to me and our family, I honestly think she wants to be with her mom. She was put in an impossible situation. Taken away from her mom and given to strangers. Obviously she is going to miss her mom. Obviously, after time, she would begin to love us. At the same time, we were brought to the same issue. We loved a little girl that isn't ours (legally).

I have opened up to S's mom. I talk to her on the phone. I try to encourage her. I try to be happy for her-and in many ways I do feel happiness for her when it comes to all this coming to an end.

So, I prepare to say good bye to my first daughter. It started with her spending Christmas with her other family. It continues every day when I hug her for a couple seconds longer than I normally would. It happens when I stare at her for an extra moment because before I know it she won't be here to stare at.

In all honesty, despite the sadness I feel, I am happy for S. I am happy for her mom. And I will gladly take the sadness that was brought by the joy we have had being her family for this time. It is an every day thing, me saying good bye to that little girl, but I would, and will, do it all over again. I will take the bad so I can enjoy the good. It is so so worth it.


I just found out the next hearing will be February 24th. Not in March as I though it would be.


gram said...

I am proud of you Leah. :)

spng7 said...

And so am I.

the johnson crew said...

i'm crying as i read this. i am laying on my bed, settling my daughter down for her nap, and a flood of sad memories came back... and i needed to be reminded of them. i am truely feeling sad for you leah, the part where you said you hug your daughter a few seconds longer. i do remember sitting, watching my kids sleep at night knowing that they would be leaving me so soon. i cried a lot during that time, and it still hurts to think about, and our story even had a happy ending.

I know you "signed up for this" Leah, but when you love the children in way that were meant to be loved it is really hard to say good by.

I am praying for you, praying for God's protection on sweet little S and for God to comfort you as you persevere to do His will. Praying God's richest blessings on you and that God might even choose to keep her with you. I am so sorry you are hurting. You are doing an AMAZING job, so keep up the amazing work.

Blessings, Janelle

StarfishMom said...

I know it's hard Leah. I've been there. Although my heart is hurting for you I know that God works all things together for good. I rest in that.


the johnson crew said...

i just wrote about you on my blog and linked to yours, i hope that is ok. please email me and I will delete it of you want! -thanks

Becca B. said...

Cried as I read this...it is so heart-wrenching to know they are leaving you...but you are handling it with grace. S will be lucky for the time she was with you.

Alyssa said...

Janelle, you are too sweet :) your comment made me cry again (after crying from reading Leah's post). You both are ladies with big hearts and lots of love to give. God chose you. Praying, Leah. Love you!

cindy said...

We are keep all of it in constant prayer.
Love you all

SD said...

Hi Leah, Finally had time to read some of your story. This post makes me so sad. I know and can relate. I can tell you we lost our first ones near 2 yrs ago, and our second baby not long after. All were a heartbreak---time has really made it tolerable. I will always remember them but it is how God meant for things to happen. You were chosen to be in her life for this given time, and if she goes-she will take a part of you with her always. Hang in there--it DOES GET EASIER