"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I am just so confused.


Why does nothing go the way it should?

As if foster care isn't hard enough.

As if I don't loose enough sleep over it as it is...

When we first started out we said we wouldn't take a placement that we knew was only short term for sure.

What was the first thing I did? I said yes to a short term placement.

We also said we would only take kids under 3 years old.

What did I do when I was called to take a 4 year old boy? I took him.

So, maybe I shouldn't be surprised things aren't working out the way I hoped they would, but, didn't I do the right thing?

I love these kids. I'm not going to lie-they have been taking turns driving me nuts for the past 8 months but it doesn't matter, I LOVE THEM.

So, with that being said, shouldn't something about this be easy? I'll even take easy-ish at this point. How about even moderately hard? That would be better than this I think.

S is going home. OK, honestly, I have pondered that thought to death. So much so that I am ok with it. How that happened I will never know but it is true. I think it is time for her to go home and I will be relieved to have it done and over with and no longer hanging over my head. By the time she leaves I will have acted as her Mom for 9 months. How did this all happen so fast?

S is a difficult child. She is so torn. She loves her bio mom and she loves us. She also has genetic behaviors that I am thankful that I will not have to deal with in the years to come. I want a good life for her. I hate that, from what I see right now, the likelihood of that isn't very good.

And, then there is K. K is so sweet. He is so ready to please. He is constantly trying to figure out what you want from him. What you want him to say, how you want him to act, he does everything based on survival mode tactics. It is really really sad.

From the minute I saw him I didn't feel connected to him. I wondered if I should even take him home with me. But, I did. I'm glad I did, but boy has that put me in the worst, most confusing spot ever.

K is available for adoption. When we started this "fostering thing" I thought that if a child ended up in our house that was sweet and cute and ALL the things K is AND adoptable - adoption would be a no brainer. That has turned out to not be the case. And, I don't know how this happened.

It doesn't fit. HOW DOES IT NOT FIT! How does he not belong in this family? Why is he here? Why do we have no peace? Why can't I even look through the adoption papers? Why have we decided no?

I don't understand it. All I know is that we both feel it.

We love him. I don't want him to leave. This wasn't supposed to be how this all went. That is my opinion. This isn't how it was supposed to go.

Some days I think that I would and will love to foster for the next 20 or 30 years. Other days I think how many more days can I do this?

It is an interesting life. I love the good and I hate the bad. I love the kids and I hate the decisions that have to be made. I am so happy I could burst and so sad I don't want to deal with any of it.

I am just so confused.


StarfishMom said...

As hard as it is to let them go you HAVE to know that you did the best for them while they were with you. We cannot see the bigger picture and that makes OUR decision making process very hard. Thankfully, God knows what He's doing and THAT'S why He tells us to go to HIM for EVERYTHING!!! :::praying for peace in your decisions and clarity for you::: :)

Rebekah said...

See...you need that easy button, too! :)

You've gotta go with those Holy Spirit gut instincts - even when your mind doesn't understand it. God has a plan for little K.

Melissa said...

Leah, I think as foster parents everything your feeling we have all felt. I couldnt' agree with you on all accounts in this post. Some days I want to do it for the next 20 years and at other times I can't see pass today.

I hope you find peace with all this. hugs!

Melissa said...

I meant to say I couldnt' agree with you MORE.......

Alyssa said...

praying. love you, Leah. God will continue to make things clear to you in HIs timing. He is not the author of confusion!
Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and He WILL direct your paths.

Love you!

the johnson crew said...

praying for you all leah.

gram said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. You have a great mind so trust your instincts. God will help you.

Shelly Marie said...

We are praying for God's direction with all of your up coming decisions.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.~Psalms 28:7