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"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Horrible, No Good, Very Bad...Mood.

I am in a slump. It feels more like some type of depressing hole that is around the size of the Grand Canyon.

I don't know what is going on, but the spiritual warfare that is going on around myself and my friends that also foster is THICK with attack. The ones who are at risk the most are our kids, but we mom's are getting pummeled as well. So many of us are ready to give up and I KNOW that IS NOT what God wants.

I am going away this weekend. I thought about putting my girls in respite care for a few days and also making sure it would be during their visits so that I would miss that as well, but we don't want to do anything that would scare them and being given to strangers again would be scary I am sure so, even though Ben said that we would do whatever I needed, I couldn't bring myself to risk scaring them. I am hoping that by taking off on Saturday evening and not coming home until after the kids are in bed on Sunday will help...I think God and I have some talking to do.

Tonight Ben looked at me and said, "I have seen this coming for a couple months." I was surprised and said, "Saw what coming?" He said, "I knew eventually you would have to deal with S leaving." Funny thing is that I would have never told you that was what was wrong with me these past few days. I would have said it was dealing with the bio families and the system not doing what it should or I probably would have named off a number of other things-but Ben knew before even I did. Not that it is ever far from my mind.

So, hopefully I get something figured out because I can't keep going on like this.

Also, to all my friends who are broken hearted because of their foster kids leaving when they shouldn't be, I don't have any words that will make you feel better, but there HAS to be something good coming because whatever it is has the devil so mad that he is on the defensive and trying to get us to give up any way he can. He is desperate, absolutely desperate. God is moving, we just have to trust.



9 comments:

His Hands His Feet Today said...

Love that song... and praying for you!!! May His peace fill your heart SO full that you explode it all over! LOL!

Ben said...

I LOVE YOU!!!

StarfishMom said...

Leah, REALLY just seek HIS face and be still. This is OUT of your control and our human minds cannot grasp what God has planned. I can only encourage you to seek Him and ask for His grace and peace. I will be praying for you all too! XXOXOXOX ~C

FootPrints said...

i think that's a good idea to go away. a handful of the foster moms in my group do the same thing. every time they lose a placement, they spend a night or two away.

it allows you to be alone with yourself and god. uninterrupted. surrender to all to him. you can't win by yourself.

i'll be praying for you this weekend...

Melba said...

Hugs to you...you are in my thoughts and prayers!

Melba

Leah W said...

Melba, I can't get to your blog anymore, did you set it on private? :)

Carla said...

I love that song too! So glad I stumbled across your blog today. TI's always good to meet and find the support in other foster/adopt moms.
I can totally relate the feelings of being under attack....

Kelli said...

I am praying for you. Spend some time with God and give everything to Him this weekend. Got my phone back so if you need to talk, I'm here.

Kylee said...

That is one of my all time favorite songs. I listed to it over and over this past spring. After my sweet foster sisters left, they had so many hardships in their adoptive home while they were away from us. Things happened to them that should never happen in an adoptive home and it was so hard to watch my babies suffer. I would visit them and come home crying, longing to take them with me and keep them safe. This song brought me comfort during that time.

Now they're back with us, and I find myself still listening to this song as I trust them into God's hands, once again.

This foster care journey is so hard. It never gets easier and the tears seem to flow endlessly. Praise Jesus that we have a perfect, holy, heavenly Father to carry us through!

~Kylee