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"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Monday, August 2, 2010

Today I Wanted to Quit.

Today I wanted to walk away. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted to sever any ties I had to these psychotic delusional bio parents. I wanted to drop kick this system THAT IS FAILING MY GIRLS out of my life. I wanted to run. I wanted to get as far away from it as I could.
Then it occurred to me-I can run. I can get away, but they can't.

I can walk away. I have options.

They don't.
See, I didn't realize when I started this that I was raising my hand and saying "Yes, I want to be there for a child that I didn't birth on their darkest day." "I want to love a child that just had their whole world ripped apart." "Yes, I want to bare their burden, as much as I can, for them on the hardest days."

I sit here and I finally realize that as hard as it is on me, they are the ones who are living this mess that weighs down every one near it. The emotions I feel probably can't touch theirs.
I am so tired of all of this. Can you imagine how tired they are of it all? I am so sad that I wasn't more ready to do this. I didn't realize that the exciting days of getting "a call" were going to be one of the scariest for my kids. It wasn't until I got the call for Lizzy that I got there. I was so excited to get her, I knew about her for a week or so before I got her, but I spent that week praying for this little girl that's life was about to be torn apart-again. I finally understood that I was excited but she would be scared.
All day I have had verses running through my head as I piece together why I am doing this.

The first one that came to mind was Galatians 6:2 "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ."

But them I found Romans 15:1 that says it so much better:

"Now we who are strong ought to bear the weakness of those without strength and not just please ourselves."
To be honest with you, I am sick of this hard part. I have gotten to the point where the sound of all this stuff with S ending is sounding really good. I had to remember today, that even in the mist of total turmoil, I am still the one that is here taking care of her, enjoying her, hearing her singing, laughing, asking me for things and calling me mom.
I have been given 4 beautiful treasures that have called me mom. One I get to keep, two haven't left yet and one has finally made it home to his own family. I wouldn't take it back. I wouldn't take any of it back. I can't give up either.

I could have said no. I could have chosen to keep my easy life. I could pretended I never heard God tell me to take care of kids that weren't mine, but for me that would have made me lukewarm. It would have meant that I only wanted the part of God that worked for me and not the part where I actually had to act out my faith.

"So then because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of my mouth." - Revelation 3:16

That's where I would have been. God would have wanted to spit me out of HIS mouth because I wasn't strong enough or willing to bare their burdens with them. It is hard enough being 26 and trying to deal with all this. Can you imagine being 3 years old and you have to do it whether you like it or not. They have no choices, but I do, and I choose them.


Even when I want to quit so bad, I choose them.

7 comments:

Shantra said...

I can feel your heart and calling in this post! Keep strong and know that ther are others out here praying for you!

spng7 said...

You're never alone in this ... never.

His Hands His Feet Today said...

AMEN!!!
Press on for the goal... your reward is in heaven. I promise!!!

FootPrints said...

we're on here for you...HE is strong when we are weak.

Debbie B said...

That verse is excellent. I'll have to write it down and keep it close as a reminder.

A friend posted something on her facebook today that really spoke to me and our desire to become foster parents.
Not everything that God gives you is for you. Sometimes He gives you something that will meet the need of another that He will put in your path. Will you give it away?"
God has called us to give away our hearts for children whose hearts need to be healed and cared for until/if their parents can continue doing that.
I appreciate your honesty in this post.

Rebecca said...

I needed to read this today. At the end of my rope as well. Not sure if my emotions can handle the weight of the emotional burden that comes with loving these children and then letting them return to situations that we all know are NOT best. However, I KNOW that God has called me to this, and I know that I will do this again...and again...and again...until HE says stop.

Emily said...

You are doing something that so many people won't even consider. Know that people who have never met you are praying for you and that you will have strength.

Also, during these difficult days, I hope that you are taking care of yourself too. Give yourself a break, find a way to make you a priority, for even just 5 minutes.

Blessings on you and yours