But, while I was chatting with S's Gma she mentioned about S's DHS worker saying that S would be returned on October 13th. I already had heard this and I know that that is the plan. Considering I have been told at at least 3 other hearing that "she could be going home" I am used to it, but trust me, this one is the almost set in stone one.
So much has happened, so many things that should be stopping it, yet NOTHING MATTERS.
I have gotten used to it. I don't get excited about anything, good or bad, anymore because I am well aware nothing matters.
So, as normal, when I got home with S we cuddled up in the recliner and looked at books. Then I started rocking her and she just laid her head on me and didn't move. That is when it usually comes. I got all teary eyed thinking about the time that will come when she doesn't come back.
I thought about how she won't be here to hug and cuddle with.
I get flashes of her room being empty.
I sit and miss her while she is still in my arms.
It comes, and it hurts, and then I have to move on. She is still here, for now, and that is what I have to work with. I love this little girl as much as any mom could love their child, but I have to admit, I am sick of her being pulled in so many directions. I am sad for her, having two families isn't easy. She tells me "I will miss you when I'm at my mom's house" and I have a feeling she says the same to her other mom.
So, here we are, in the morbid count down that will end with our S leaving our house. It could be worse, but it feels pretty bad all the same. I don't want her to go, for her sake and my sake, but I am trusting God with that.
It Comes in Waves. I am letting is go now. It isn't today's problem.