"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Monday, August 16, 2010

It Comes in Waves

Last night I had a hard night. Unlike most Sunday evening, picking up S was uneventful. She had been sick while at her mom's house but was fine by the time I got her. She went happily from her mom's car to mine and had a very normal evening.

But, while I was chatting with S's Gma she mentioned about S's DHS worker saying that S would be returned on October 13th. I already had heard this and I know that that is the plan. Considering I have been told at at least 3 other hearing that "she could be going home" I am used to it, but trust me, this one is the almost set in stone one.

So much has happened, so many things that should be stopping it, yet NOTHING MATTERS.
I have gotten used to it. I don't get excited about anything, good or bad, anymore because I am well aware nothing matters.

So, as normal, when I got home with S we cuddled up in the recliner and looked at books. Then I started rocking her and she just laid her head on me and didn't move. That is when it usually comes. I got all teary eyed thinking about the time that will come when she doesn't come back.
I thought about how she won't be here to hug and cuddle with.

I get flashes of her room being empty.

I sit and miss her while she is still in my arms.

It comes, and it hurts, and then I have to move on. She is still here, for now, and that is what I have to work with. I love this little girl as much as any mom could love their child, but I have to admit, I am sick of her being pulled in so many directions. I am sad for her, having two families isn't easy. She tells me "I will miss you when I'm at my mom's house" and I have a feeling she says the same to her other mom.

So, here we are, in the morbid count down that will end with our S leaving our house. It could be worse, but it feels pretty bad all the same. I don't want her to go, for her sake and my sake, but I am trusting God with that.

It Comes in Waves. I am letting is go now. It isn't today's problem.


aka. Mimi said...

I used to do the same with Joe Joe... It would hit me when he fell asleep in my arms. As hard as it was to lose him, at least he's not being pulled in so many different directions anymore. You're all in my thoughts and prayers. I know how hard this is.

gram said...


Melissa said...

I know this is easier said than done Leah but don't focus on what you may not have in a couple months, focus on what you have right now. Enjoy each day, make lots of beautiful memories and love your little S like she's the only little girl in the world. :)

Rebecca said...

It seriously does feel like we are living the same life right now. I have told people so many times recently that the grief "comes in waves."

I'll tell you what my mentor told me: You can't live in denial and act like she's not leaving or you're going to go crazy when she actually does. You have to continue to love her with everything you have, but to accept the grief as it comes, because it means you're in touch with reality.

Praying for you as well!

Kelli said...

I appreciate that you are so honest with us. I can't imagine just how hard this really is, only how pleased God is with you for taking this challenge He called you to. Wish I could have chatted on FB today but Isaiah got a huge goose egg and I had to run get him some meds. But I am always here, praying for you. My cell is down for a few days (has been for a few weeks) but a backup is 248-802-6915