"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Choking on my words

Uggg...so, are you ready to here about my ugly feelings?  I feel like they are ugly.  I thought that I would be able to throw my whole self into foster care.  That I would look at my foster kids and have no reservations treating them like they are my own and loving them with everything I have...and then it came up.  Those three words that EVERY child should hear EVERY DAY of their lives.  And I choked.  I literally had to spit them out of my mouth.  Because she deserves to hear them.  Every day.  No matter what.  And I hesitated.  I choked.  And I don't want to hurt.

When my sister was in her accident I took care of her little boy when ever they needed me to.  He spent a few days and nights with me and then just the days until Bobbie came home.  I told him I loved him everyday.  I told him I loved him more that once a day.  Why?  Because I knew that that is what my sister would do, that is what she would want him to hear.  And I meant it.  I never choked on it.  I said it, and it was easy.  It was easy because I knew he would go home, but I would see him again.  I wasn't going to tell him I love him one day and then hand him off to someone that is a stranger to me and never see him again.

I had had S for a couple weeks and all the sudden it hit me.  I had only said "I love you" once to her.  And there she was playing around my feet and looking up at me and I wanted to say it to her, I wanted to mean it...and I started to say it and choked, and then spit it out.  There I had said it.  But I didn't want to mean it.  

I had thought I was doing so good, that I wasn't putting up any walls between my heart and S, but I was.  In that moment I thought of the other ways I had been building a wall between my heart and S.  I always made her sleep in her crib.  I never rocked her to sleep.  I never let her snuggle up and fall asleep on me.  That was too close.  It would remind me too much of my own child that I have done that with hundreds of times.  And I can't feel that way.  Because she's not mine.

The biggest problem is that I do love her.  And I hate saying it.  I hate feeling it.  And I love feeling it.  It is so confusing and alarming and scary.  Because she's gonna leave.  And the feelings will still be there.

So, today, I walked out of the living room and told Kobe I love him, and he said it back.  And then a little female voice echoed Kobe's.  With the same words.  Telling me she loved me, whether she meant it or not.  So, I turned and looked at her and said it back.  All the while knowing she's gonna leave.  And I'm gonna hurt.  But I do love her, even if I choke on the words.


Ben said...

There will always be people in your life that you love but might never see again. All of us could be taken away at any moment if God wishes, so don't waist any time. Make sure those around you know you love them. No matter who they are! Love you all....BEN

Shelly Marie said...

I have to agree with Ben!!! That little girl God gave you for a short time is the sweetest thing!!! We have fallen hard for her too. She needs all the LOVE we can give her. I feel for you and sort of understand what you are going through. I fell so in love with the boys and then they were just taken from us. I know I will love them forever and will always think of them and wonder what they are doing!! I now know that God has plans for us that we may not understand, but they are for a reason!!! God gave S to you, Ben and Kobe for a reason. It will be very hard when she leaves, but we will be there to help you and to pray for you, Ben and Kobe. So love her with all your might!! =)
We love you!!

Always Faith said...

totally understand your thoughts. i wish it was easy but it's not. just hang in there...do the right thing even if it's hard and even if you don't want to...it will all be worth it even if it doesn't feel like it at times.

Alyssa said...

I can't imagine. I would struggle hard with that one too. I like what Ben said. So true! My mom called me tonight shook up from a car accident they were in, and once again I am reminded that you just never really know how long the Lord will bless us with keeping those we love here on earth. I am thankful that He spared their lives tonight!
She is so blessed to get that kind of love from you all even if it is for a short time. You are loving her even if you don't always voice those words.
I love you, Leah:)!

Vicki Aeschliman said...

Okay so that got me choked up. We love you guys. YOu are so special. Not everyone can be a foster parent. S is so blessed to have you guys because you do give your all. We will all pray for you guys when the time comes for S to go to her mom.

the johnson crew said...

i guess i never thought about it like that. we just always told our kids we loved them right from the beginning, but at first they didn't know how to respond to that phrase, but children need to learn about unconditional love... which they probably never had previously. - I still remember the very first time antonio told me "i love you". he couldn't even say it out loud. we were leaving at a friends house and as we were skipping to our car, antonio stopped me and mouthed the words "i love you" for about a week he kept mouthing the words, then he figured out how good it felt to say it out loud (he was 7 at the time.) - Just think of God's unreserved love for us... along with Love does come pain, but that is just a part of life. jump in and love that sweet little girl, she is so blessed to have an amazing mommy like you! - oh i'm praying for you... it is so hard!

Leah Wentzel said...

Can you all tell why I keep Ben around :) He has a good way of keeping things in perspective for me. I love you honey.

Shelly, I do feel that out of our family you are the one that is able to truly understand what this is like because in your own way you have lived it. I still pray for the day that we see what God's plan is for you, Jason & Brook.

Faith & Janelle, I don't know what I would do without you two. Your stories and hearts have encouraged me to keep going and I am thankful to have you!

Alyssa & Vicki, your over all support for our decisions have made things like being excited about our foster kids just that much more special. Thank you for being excited for us and praying for us!

gram said...

You guys are such special Foster care guys. Your love on S. will influence her the rest of her life and how she treats and responds to people. I love Ben's response to you and all of us are blessed to have such a great family. I do not know what I would do with out all of you being in my life. I know what it is like to lose someone you love but to not get the children you love or having to give up a child who you do love very much will be or is tough. God's has a plan for all of us and does give us strength to get through our lost.

Becca B. said...

This journey, we are both on, is guaranteed to break our hearts at times...that jut part of what we've gotten ourselves into. But don't sell yourself, God, or sweet S short. Of course you love her...how could you not. Love her with wreckless abandon. And show her that you do. And when she does leave, your feelings won't, but God will be there, to help you get through. Praying for you from Arkansas.

Rebekah said...

I don't know what to say...other than I admire you...