Uggg...so, are you ready to here about my ugly feelings? I feel like they are ugly. I thought that I would be able to throw my whole self into foster care. That I would look at my foster kids and have no reservations treating them like they are my own and loving them with everything I have...and then it came up. Those three words that EVERY child should hear EVERY DAY of their lives. And I choked. I literally had to spit them out of my mouth. Because she deserves to hear them. Every day. No matter what. And I hesitated. I choked. And I don't want to hurt.
When my sister was in her accident I took care of her little boy when ever they needed me to. He spent a few days and nights with me and then just the days until Bobbie came home. I told him I loved him everyday. I told him I loved him more that once a day. Why? Because I knew that that is what my sister would do, that is what she would want him to hear. And I meant it. I never choked on it. I said it, and it was easy. It was easy because I knew he would go home, but I would see him again. I wasn't going to tell him I love him one day and then hand him off to someone that is a stranger to me and never see him again.
I had had S for a couple weeks and all the sudden it hit me. I had only said "I love you" once to her. And there she was playing around my feet and looking up at me and I wanted to say it to her, I wanted to mean it...and I started to say it and choked, and then spit it out. There I had said it. But I didn't want to mean it.
I had thought I was doing so good, that I wasn't putting up any walls between my heart and S, but I was. In that moment I thought of the other ways I had been building a wall between my heart and S. I always made her sleep in her crib. I never rocked her to sleep. I never let her snuggle up and fall asleep on me. That was too close. It would remind me too much of my own child that I have done that with hundreds of times. And I can't feel that way. Because she's not mine.
The biggest problem is that I do love her. And I hate saying it. I hate feeling it. And I love feeling it. It is so confusing and alarming and scary. Because she's gonna leave. And the feelings will still be there.
So, today, I walked out of the living room and told Kobe I love him, and he said it back. And then a little female voice echoed Kobe's. With the same words. Telling me she loved me, whether she meant it or not. So, I turned and looked at her and said it back. All the while knowing she's gonna leave. And I'm gonna hurt. But I do love her, even if I choke on the words.