"I knew God wanted ALL of me, yet I feared what complete surrender to Him would mean." - Francis Chan

I have come to an interesting place in my life.

I am married.

I have kids.

The conventional way AND not so conventional way.

I have a job.

I have a life.

And I still want more.

I remember, not so long ago, a time in my life that I was very very very OK with just doing what I consider the bare minimum of "Christianity".

I went to church, tithed, was nice to people, didn't drink, didn't do drugs, didn't smoke, helped people when they needed it, didn't cheat on my husband, sent my child to a Christian school...and life was easy.

I actually knew that if I stuck with just that, nothing more, or nothing less, I wouldn't raise any red flags that would bring enemy attack on me. Pathetic.

I was scared that some day God would ask me to do something that would cost me too much and that it might hurt. I didn't want to loose anything, I didn't want feel anything besides happiness and contentment. I didn't want to do it. Lukewarm at it's BEST.

Then, God stirred our hearts towards foster care. In HIS usual loving way, God didn't show us the whole picture and didn't start it out in our hearts as some "ultimate calling" on our lives. We were going to jump in, get out kids, and jump out. We wouldn't stay in it love enough to have to get dirty or hurt, because that wouldn't happen to us.

Here we are almost 2 years later and obviously we have been blessed in so many ways AND hurt AND confused AND challenged AND so many other things.

We are in this for the long haul. I know that there is a happy ending mixed in with all of this chaos. I don't know when it is going to come or how. But that's OK.

In the mist of all these circumstances and trials that are pushing on us at every turn God has been pulling me towards HIM in order to give me peace, strength and hope.

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.” (Isaiah 26:3)

He wants to give us the desires of our heart and He will. It may not be in the time frame I would choose, but I am ok with that.

Lizzy's Visits

Our little Lizzy...I'm so proud of her.

She is NOT a quitter, she DOES NOT give up. And, I will do what I can to NOT let that get taken away from her. When you are able to channel that into your personality in a positive way, in a way that honors God...it is awesome.

Her visits are the same every week. She goes in and plays with her mom no problem...and then she sees legal dad and flips her lid.

Let me explain this with a story.

In a McDonald's play place this week I had to go up in it and get Lizzy out because she was scared. Once we exited the play place she ran over to a man she had never met and reached up for him to pick her up and he did and she let him comfort her. Of course I took her back rather quickly, but I had been talking to him while I was there and...well, you get used to your kids doing this when you are a foster mom. Anyway, the point being, this child likes everyone. EVERYONE.

So, getting back to the visit, she has had 4 visits with Mr. Legal dad and still screams every time that she sees him, he talks to her, and when she knows they are doing to try to take her back in that room with him. I actually video taped the screaming with my phone this time. If I loose my mind I might actually post it.

So, this week was no exception. I had left the other two kids with friends so that I could deal with this at least one week by myself. When Lizzy saw her legal dad come in for the visit she freaked out and started climbing me like usual. She acted so badly that the worker let me come in with her, as I stood up I was shaking. I am very shocked by the way my body has been physically reacting to these situations. I am ok in my head, but my body hasn't caught up to that I guess. I think God has given my mind a numbness but the physical reaction is very strong.

Anyway, I went into the visit and "controlled" Lizzy. Every time he talked to her she screamed. He brought her snacks so, because I wouldn't give them to her, she took them from him. I went and sat next to him on the floor and she tolerated sitting next to him as long as it was on me.

I would wander around the room and then step out once in a while. I would stand next to the door way but out of sight-the door was open-and within 10 seconds she would come find me to make sure I hadn't left her. It was the same old nightmare, but I was glad they asked me to come in. At least she didn't have to go through it alone.

I am truly blessed to be the one God picked to go through this with her. I wouldn't choose to be anywhere else.

I am a lucky Mama.

I Couldn't Have Said it Better Myself Part 5

It’s a great question. Why do we do this? The reality is very complex, but the answer is simple: Persistent Passion. We, who are called to foster, are not satisfied with the status quo. We are not willing to sit back and watch as children suffer abuse and neglect, or worse yet, to ignore that abuse and neglect even exist. We are determined that on our watch, children will be given the chance they deserve to be loved, nurtured, valued and cherished. We believe in a heavenly Father who can pick us up where we are and use us in spite of our frailties. We are undaunted by a system that is broken and by people within that system who don’t believe it, or the children in it, can be rehabilitated. We stand on the command that ‘true religion that God the Father accepts is to look after widows and orphans in their distress..’ We may falter, we may grieve, we may get angry and exhausted, but we will not be moved. Persistent passion…it’s what keeps me going when I don’t want to, when the grief or the sacrifice it too much to bear, when I can’t answer the question ‘why?’ and no one seems to understand.

Persistent Passion…relentless, lasting, steady. Foster children deserve nothing less.

ALL CREDIT TO The Middle Mom who managed to put into words what so may of us feel.

It doesn't take much

Apparently...

All...
You have to do...
To entertain...
My kids...
Is pull out the shop vac...
And let them...
Use it on each other...
And they will...
Play happily together for at least half an hour!
To see more pics click here

You're Gonna Miss This

You're gonna miss this

Your're gonna want this back

You're gonna wish these days

Hadn't gone by so fast

These are some good times

So take a good look around

You may not know it now

But you're gonna miss this

Dear Leah - a note from me to the me before foster care

Dear Leah,

You have no idea what you are getting into, but you know that feeling you have of "this is gonna be hard"?

Well, double it.

That's about what it is going to be like.

You know that feeling you have of "this is going to be amazing and so worth it"?

Well, triple it.

That's about what it's gonna be like.

It will NOT be easy to navigate this system.

It WILL be easy to love the kids.

People are going to fail left and right, most of all you.

God is never going to fail ANY of you.

You are going to have little girls.

You are going to love every second of it.

You are going to have little boys.

You are going to love them too.

Now, I know you don't want to let ANY of them go, but you are going to.

You will be happy for some of them and horribly sad for others.

You are going to question God.

You are going to feel like things aren't going right.

You are going to hurt.

God is still there.

You are going to learn so much about yourself, about life & about YOUR God.

You are going to do something that is so worth it.

You will hurt but YOU WIL NOT REGRET IT.

Oh, and don't give up. Don't ever ever EVER give up.

-Leah

PS While you write this you will have a little girl smiling and giggling because she is busy trying on every item of clothes you own, and when you look at her you will know that everything I just told you is absolutely true.

Blessed

I got some new pics of K - you can see them here

Also, I got to hold a very special little girl on Sunday, to see who she is click here

My Weekend

Last week, on Wednesday, I hit bottom.

Lizzy visit had gone horribly, I was very disappointed in how S's counseling was going, and when we got home from that marathon of horror I was taking a bowl of cereal milk from the table to the sink and Kobe knocked it out of my hands and it went every where.

I screamed. I screamed a scream that even scared me. It felt very involuntary and reminded me a lot of the screams Lizzy lets out when she has to go into her visit that she hates.

I immediately walked out of the room. Lizzy was screaming and crying because of me, Kobe was crying because he thought I was mad at him and S...well, she was just watching. It didn't seem to bother her at all.

After about 2 minutes, I came back, told Kobe I was sorry, made sure everyone was ok and then I cleaned it up.

People say, "Don't cry over spilled milk". Trust me, screaming doesn't help anything either.

I knew then that things couldn't keep going like they were.

I'm not super woman, I can't run around with the weight of the world on my shoulders and think that I can handle it. Eventually it comes to a head and when that happens to me it isn't pretty. I am a pretty emotionally charger person as it is...add in constant chaos and I'm not going to make it on my own.

So, obviously, something had to change and I knew that was me. And, lets just be honest, we all know when "everything hits the fan" it isn't just one thing, it's everything.

I tossed around the idea of putting the girls in respite care for 4 days but dropping them off with strangers again didn't seem fair to them. I was surprised when I mentioned it that Ben was the first to bring that up. He said that obviously I should do whatever needed to be done, even if it meant being done, but I was glad to see him care about the girls so much that he thought about what a 4 day break might mean for them. So, I decided that maybe if I just took most of the weekend off and went and did my own thing that it might be enough. Mr. Wonderful was behind me 100%..."What ever you need to do..." was his only concern and he didn't even blink about what I thought I needed to do. He is amazing.

So, after he got home early on Saturday I took off. I had a plan-God and I needed to talk. Since we all know that if my communication had broken down with God some where along the line it was because of me, I need to go find Him. He hadn't left, I did.

As I grabbed my Bible I wiped the dust off it literally. That is really fun to admit. Don't get me wrong, I pay attention in church, I google verses that come to mind, I read the verses that change on my side bar everyday, I read verses other people post, I look up verses to use in my posts...but, it was minimal and definitely not in a "hungry for God" kinda way, it was more of a "sprinkle Him in here or there" kinda way. Not enough.

As I was driving out to the beach with my Bible, notebook, pen and a list of passages to look up my purse fell of the seat next to me and this is what I saw:

You know what is under the diapers and the coupons? My Bible. I thought it was a very good picture of what my life is like right now and what makes the to do list...and what doesn't.

I got to the beach and it was cloudy. It perfectly fit my mood.
I sat and read. And read. And read. You know how you can open the Bible, read a passage and get bored? Or you think about everything else that needs to be done? I was NOT having that problem, it became quite obvious very quickly that my spirit was hungry, because I had been starving it.

Every passage I read spoke to me and I would read everything around it too so that I made sure that I understood the context in which it was meant to be taken. I didn't come to "cherry pick" the Bible...I needed to understand what it means when it says "You have not because you ask not" because I have asked and I haven't asked and I needed to understand...
It became very apparent that I had been very very mad at God. I didn't want to trust Him because things with S's case are NOT going the way I think they should. I didn't say it, or even allow myself to think it...much, but I thought God was wrong and He was messing up. I felt like He had set me up to get hurt and I was mad.

In my anger I had also been pushing away from Him in other areas too. I didn't trust Him because I felt like He was in the middle of betraying me. He was taking my little girl away, and I was furious.
You know what is so wonderful about God?

He knows all of that about me.

He knew I was mad and still loved me.

He knew I didn't trust He, yet He has been faithful.

He knew I wanted to strike out at Him and He pulled me close.

I left and He came after me.

I spent 5 hours on Saturday reading my Bible. I went from one passage to the next and it was captivating. I prayed and was finally able to be still and know that HE is God.

I could go on for quite some time about what He and I talked about, but to sum it up, we talked about everything.

I made a list of current sin in my life, once I got to #13 I stopped.

I made a list of things I do that are not working for me, once I got to #16 I stopped.

I made a plan for how to work on changing this.

I made a plan to eliminate the sin from my life. It won't be fulfilled until I get to Heaven but at least I have a GOAL!

I purchased the book Crazy Love and am loving reading through that.

Sunday I went to church at a different church. I sat with a foster mom who has been through ALL of this and lived to talk about it. We don't know each other well at all but her heart knows my heart better than most people in my life.

Sunday evening I went to a "prayer meeting" with the same church and was able to spend time worshiping the God that pursued me so much that I finally went running to Him.

One weekend isn't going to change everything, but I feel better and I know I am doing better.

I know that I trust God, no matter what.

One of my friends said it best:

"God gave her to you because He trusted you, now you have to trust Him enough to give her back to Him"

So, that's what I am doing, she has been His all along, but now, in my heart, I am giving her back.

“When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” (Psalm 94:18-19)

Horrible, No Good, Very Bad...Mood.

I am in a slump. It feels more like some type of depressing hole that is around the size of the Grand Canyon.

I don't know what is going on, but the spiritual warfare that is going on around myself and my friends that also foster is THICK with attack. The ones who are at risk the most are our kids, but we mom's are getting pummeled as well. So many of us are ready to give up and I KNOW that IS NOT what God wants.

I am going away this weekend. I thought about putting my girls in respite care for a few days and also making sure it would be during their visits so that I would miss that as well, but we don't want to do anything that would scare them and being given to strangers again would be scary I am sure so, even though Ben said that we would do whatever I needed, I couldn't bring myself to risk scaring them. I am hoping that by taking off on Saturday evening and not coming home until after the kids are in bed on Sunday will help...I think God and I have some talking to do.

Tonight Ben looked at me and said, "I have seen this coming for a couple months." I was surprised and said, "Saw what coming?" He said, "I knew eventually you would have to deal with S leaving." Funny thing is that I would have never told you that was what was wrong with me these past few days. I would have said it was dealing with the bio families and the system not doing what it should or I probably would have named off a number of other things-but Ben knew before even I did. Not that it is ever far from my mind.

So, hopefully I get something figured out because I can't keep going on like this.

Also, to all my friends who are broken hearted because of their foster kids leaving when they shouldn't be, I don't have any words that will make you feel better, but there HAS to be something good coming because whatever it is has the devil so mad that he is on the defensive and trying to get us to give up any way he can. He is desperate, absolutely desperate. God is moving, we just have to trust.

I couldn't have said it better myself - Part Three

Suffering

All of my life I have tried to use faith to avoid suffering
Asking GOD to hold an umbrella over me through the storms
Praying that no one I love would ever have to feel pain, loss, or fear
I really believed this was GODs purpose in my life
to protect me and shield me from these things

So when something did hurt, when there was loss, when I watched as those I loved suffered
I wondered where was he then?
How could he let this happen?
Why to children go hungry? why do good people lose so much?
Why does it seem like those who have little faith are never really challenged
Living the safe life, never really taking chances, never really giving their all?

Now I am realizing that I was looking at the whole thing completely backwards
That our relationship with GOD can only grow in these times of suffering
That without trials we never get to truly experience his presence
With all of our comforts it becomes so hard to really have faith
When we have nothing faith is all there is left to have
So why are we so afraid to lose everything if losing everything means being closer to him?

I think its time to stop being afraid of the suffering life brings
Its time to embrace it
Because through it we grow and learn to love
And all of these struggles are really blessings
I am no longer asking for an umbrella but a hand to hold as I walk in the rain

*ALL credit for this goes to http://fosteringawareness.blogspot.com/

Thank you for saying the words SO many of us need to hear.*

Lazy Days

I love lazy days with NOTHING to do. I don't seem to have many of them but I LOVE them when they come.

I try to think up stuff for the kids to do, some messy some not, that is different so it holds their interest for a little while.
I had fun taking pictures of the kids while they colored. I had never seen Lizzy color before, I don't think she has done it much, she's pretty little. S was funny because she wanted to see all the pictures I took of her...then she would say "I's beautiful" so cute :)

I snapped a couple shots of kobe while he laid around. I like this one because you can see his pretty eyes and lips :) He is growing up so fast!

Seriously, how did this happen?

I was looking to see if I could find a post from back in August of last year.

I just don't know how all of this has happened but after looking thru all those posts I see that I am in the SAME PLACE I was a year ago.

Reading it, seeing it was almost a year ago to the day made me want to cry and laugh form pure insanity.

I have been trying to deal with S leaving from the minute she arrived and it still hasn't happened. She is still here, regardless of whatever plans the court does or does not have.

You can click here to read what I was thinking about last year.

It will be amazing to look back at this post next year and know how this all plays out.

It Comes in Waves

Last night I had a hard night. Unlike most Sunday evening, picking up S was uneventful. She had been sick while at her mom's house but was fine by the time I got her. She went happily from her mom's car to mine and had a very normal evening.

But, while I was chatting with S's Gma she mentioned about S's DHS worker saying that S would be returned on October 13th. I already had heard this and I know that that is the plan. Considering I have been told at at least 3 other hearing that "she could be going home" I am used to it, but trust me, this one is the almost set in stone one.

So much has happened, so many things that should be stopping it, yet NOTHING MATTERS.

I have gotten used to it. I don't get excited about anything, good or bad, anymore because I am well aware nothing matters.

So, as normal, when I got home with S we cuddled up in the recliner and looked at books. Then I started rocking her and she just laid her head on me and didn't move. That is when it usually comes. I got all teary eyed thinking about the time that will come when she doesn't come back.

I thought about how she won't be here to hug and cuddle with.

I get flashes of her room being empty.

I sit and miss her while she is still in my arms.

It comes, and it hurts, and then I have to move on. She is still here, for now, and that is what I have to work with. I love this little girl as much as any mom could love their child, but I have to admit, I am sick of her being pulled in so many directions. I am sad for her, having two families isn't easy. She tells me "I will miss you when I'm at my mom's house" and I have a feeling she says the same to her other mom.

So, here we are, in the morbid count down that will end with our S leaving our house. It could be worse, but it feels pretty bad all the same. I don't want her to go, for her sake and my sake, but I am trusting God with that.

It Comes in Waves. I am letting is go now. It isn't today's problem.

Growing Up

"He has dimples, up by his eyes"

Yes, he does. :)

2 am phone call

At 2 am I got a Phone call.

"There are cop cars in front of S's mom's house-the uncle just got in a fist fight with some one and they took him away. I saw S's mom and Grandma outside talking to the cops"

I called S's social worker and she said, "Because S wasn't at the home while this occurred, it doesn't matter".

Awesome.

I'm sure it might end up mattering when you place her back there.

A whole lot of Hand Holdin'

Yesterday Bobbie and I took the kids to Safari Playground. It is like a McDonald's play place on steroids.

The kids had a lot of fun and Bobbie and I were surprised that the two we had to watch the least were these two. They were happy to play together almost the whole time and it was hilarious when they decided to hold hands and did it for most of the time we were there!

David & S

Doesn't David look so excited to hold hands with S? I think they both were excited to have some one that actually let them hold their hands because they both have little siblings that think holding hands is no fun at all!

David would say "We holdin' hands 'cuz we friends!"

So adorable!

It was too funny too watch them navigate the play place and never let go!

I have never seen two 3 year olds be sweeter :)

Happy 9th Anniversary to Us!!!

Tomorrow Ben and I will have been married 9 years. 9 years. 9 years. How did this happen? :)

I suppose since I had to leave my hair color on yesterday for the extra 5 minutes to color the "stubborn grays" I shouldn't act so surprised that 9 years have come and gone but it still just doesn't seem possible!

I feel like it might be silly or I might say the same thing every year but I still am glad thrilled that I married Ben.

We were two young very young kids.

We fell in love.

We got married.

And made a baby.

We never dreamed our lives would turn out the way they have.

We never dreamed God would hand us even more kids, only this time little ones with broken lives, to love.

We could never do this without each other.

We could never do this without Kobe.

We could never do this without HIM.

We are who we are because of HIM.

We are together because of HIM.

We can get through anything because of HIM.

God giving us each other to go through this life with has truly been the greatest gift He has given to both of us, out side of His Son and our son.

Thank you, Lord, for the past 9 years. We are looking forward to the next 70 or so with GREAT anticipation.

_____________________________________________

Six Year Anniversary

Eight Year Anniversary

Uneventful

This weekend was just a "normal" weekend for us. Ben stayed home which was nice and we just did whatever we felt like.

Saturday morning I had some work stuff that need to be dropped of so Ben and the Kids did that for me and I ran to the grocery store. I got everything in this pictures for less that $3 on Friday night and I went back on Saturday and got even more for around the same amount. Since getting Lizzy I haven't been on top of every sale, but I still do pretty good and know what to look for.

S went to her mom's house, that was "interesting". The agency we work with has a fund to help bio parents out with gas money if they have to drive quite a ways to come see the kids. Well, at the last minute they called S's mom and said that they couldn't pick up a check for gas money this weekend and that they would mail it to them. S's Gma is the one who pays for everything and she is a school bus driver and isn't working right now. From what I hear every Aug/Sept their utilities get shut off from her not working. Well, when I was dropping S off with them they told me the agency had just called them and told them they couldn't pick up the $20 for gas money this week and that they were very close to being on E and that they weren't going to make it home but that the agency had told them "it's too late to cancel your visit so figure it out".

Don't get me wrong, I WANT the agency to stop doing everything for them and make them prove they can take care of S, but as Gma is standing there trying not to cry, the weight of the world on her shoulders so heavy that she was physically shaky, I just couldn't tell them myself "Too bad figure it out."

So, I did exactly what I would have told any other foster mom NOT to do, I put some gas in their tank. I didn't hand them cash-I'm not THAT stupid-but, here they are putting my little girl in their car telling me that they aren't going to make it home. (I must add in here that S's mom is acting like Gma is just going to have to figure it out because Gma is the one that does everything)

I wanted to let them run out of gas, have no one to call and have to have us pick up S but I am so sick of having to encourage them to fail...I'm just sick of it. I know that no matter what I did the judge will still send her home-or not. But, I am sick of worrying if what I do is making us loose her. I can't worry about it any more. I am not a jerk, I do help people who need it and I'm not going to look at two people who have NOTHING and think "I want to keep your child too". I don't understand how to deal with this correctly and I am muddling through it as best I can but I'm not a monster and I am not going to give up who I am and who I am supposed to be in hopes that I can keep my daughter.

Can you tell there is a little inner turmoil going on? :)

"K"

New Post over here

What a Mess

I could go on and on about the drama and mess that is Lizzy's situation, but that isn't what I want to talk about.

Today, August 5th, Lizzy has her first court date since being placed with me. There is even ridiculous drama concerning her court date and the lack of that being taken care of correctly as well. But, that isn't what I want to talk about either. (I probably won't know what went on at the court date until next week, the assumption is that "we'll see you in 3 months" is all the judge will have to say)

Anyway, I want to talk about 10 minutes out of my day yesterday.

Without going into EVERY detail, I want you to picture your 18 mo old child having to sit in a 10x8 room with a man she doesn't know with no one familiar around her.

I want you to picture the man now. Picture a dirty, extremely skinny, drugged out looking man.

Now, you are in the room with them. You have to encourage the little girl to go to this guy, at least interact with him, while she is protesting.

Sounds fun right? Well, so far what I have described was the easy part.

This is what Lizzy goes through at her visits. This is what I go through with her at her visits.

They go so badly that the social worker has me come in because Lizzy will scream the whole time if I don't.

At one point S had to go to the bathroom (yes, S & Kobe were in there with me too) so I snuck out to take her. 30 seconds later, all the way down at the bathroom, I could hear Lizzy go crazy. Screaming and crying as loud as she could. And trust me, she can be LOUD.

I have to give him credit, he tried to comfort her, but if you are a mama you know that it only made it worse. She didn't stop until Kobe beat me back to the room. She saw him and was relieved to say the least. At this point S had counseling and wouldn't go by herself with the counselor so Big Brother Kobe went with her, holding her little scared hand and all. That boy is going to be an amazing husband and father one day.

Anyway, so after they leave Lizzy won't go with out touching me while we are in the room with him because she thinks I might leave her if she lets go. I sit on the floor trying to encourage her to interact with him. She it sitting on me whatever way she can. I am sitting on the floor so I plop her down on the floor in front of me instead of on me but she is still touching me and leaning into me as much as she can. She realizes she isn't on me so she hops up and plops down on my leg. I am sure her theory was "if I sit on her she can't leave me".

I am sitting there watching my poor little Lizzy while he tries to interact with her. I have always tried to encourage the kids that these visits are fun, not scary, because it doesn't matter how they feel about them, they HAVE to do it. So, I am trying to act like this is fun and am encouraging her to interact with him still.

It is in this moment, when I am sitting there with Lizzy pushing her body into mine as much as she can to get away from him, protesting every time he talks to her or come near her, this peace came over me. It was like this wave of thankfulness finally took root in my heart. I was so thankful that I was the one who gets to go through this with her. I was so thankful she wasn't alone in this.

I hate these visits. They stress me out and are hard on me as well, but it doesn't matter. No matter what this little girl has to do this and I am one blessed mama to be chosen to walk through this with her. Every day it becomes more apparent that this little girl knows me as her mama. She is so young, before long all she will know is our family. We love her so much - no matter what.

And Lizzy, I will walk through 100's of these visits for you if I have to.

I am right where I want to be little girl, with you. We'll get through this.

Matthew 5:44

"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you"

I have NEVER needed this verse.

And then I became a foster mom.

As I mentioned a day or 2 ago, I was seriously ready to throw in the towel. I'm not kidding. Sometimes it is JUST TO MUCH.

I shouldn't take it personally that a person WHO HAS HAD THEIR CHILD TAKEN AWAY BY CPS is talking about me and my family badly behind my back. Or that they are trying to blame things that go on AT THEIR HOUSE on us. We should expect people THAT ARE NOT USEFUL MEMBERS OF SOCIETY to try to blame everyone around them for their own problems, and unfortunately, "all around them" includes us now.

I think it is who they try to say stuff about that bothers me though. It is one thing for them to say stuff about me but about my family...have you met me? I will tear your hair out for that!!!!

In Foster Parent Training Classes they tell you, it isn't "if" you get investigated, it is "when". I should mention here that WE are NOT getting investigated for anything, we have not been accused of anything nor has anyone even hinted that anyone is trying to accuse us of anything.

Unfortunately, I am acquaintances with one of S's mom's closest friends. She is a psycho just like S's mom. Anyway, she was reading me some texts that S's mom sent her talking about a situation they were accused of that they say never happened and then said maybe it happened at our house, in the text she said this.

Now, these two women are crazy. I can't even convey how crazy except to say they seriously belong on Jerry Springer. So, them texting each other AFTER EVERY SOCIAL WORKER WHO KNOWS S'S MOM HAS TOLD HER TO STOP HAVING ANY COMMUNICATION WITH THIS FRIEND is ridiculous to start with and they only text each other to fight and spy and threaten each other. So, S's mom saying crap about our family to her crazy friend doesn't mean ANYTHING but it still drives me nuts. I want to go break her little texting fingers shut her mouth for her you know?

Anyway, here I am NEEDING this verse more that I EVER have and I have to say this goes against every human emotion I have.

But it helps.

Knowing God wants me to be nice to these people helps me to not feel like a retard that lets people use me all the time. I don't let it get to the point of them being able to affect my life in a negative way or my family's, but I will still do it - most of the time :)

*I would just like to applaud myself on the use of the following words all in one blog post:

PYSCHO

RETARD

JERRY SPRINGER

CRAZY

and the use of bodily harm innuendos:

PULL YOUR HAIR OUT

BREAK YOUR FINGERS

SHUT YOUR MOUTH FOR YOU

I think all of this makes me sound SUPER classy.

Webcam

So, I posted a video over at http://wonderfullynormal.blogspot.com. That is my private blog where I share pictures of our foster kids. I had to post it over there because they are in it- a lot :)

It is funny to go back and see what gets recorded while you know you are being recorded and when you forget or look away!

If you have not been invited to my private blog but would like to be please leave your email address in my comments that you sign on to blogger with.

AND, if you actually watch this whole video I will crack up-it's really long!

Today I Wanted to Quit.

Today I wanted to walk away. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted to sever any ties I had to these psychotic delusional bio parents. I wanted to drop kick this system THAT IS FAILING MY GIRLS out of my life. I wanted to run. I wanted to get as far away from it as I could.

Then it occurred to me-I can run. I can get away, but they can't.

I can walk away. I have options.

They don't.
See, I didn't realize when I started this that I was raising my hand and saying "Yes, I want to be there for a child that I didn't birth on their darkest day." "I want to love a child that just had their whole world ripped apart." "Yes, I want to bare their burden, as much as I can, for them on the hardest days."

I sit here and I finally realize that as hard as it is on me, they are the ones who are living this mess that weighs down every one near it. The emotions I feel probably can't touch theirs.
I am so tired of all of this. Can you imagine how tired they are of it all? I am so sad that I wasn't more ready to do this. I didn't realize that the exciting days of getting "a call" were going to be one of the scariest for my kids. It wasn't until I got the call for Lizzy that I got there. I was so excited to get her, I knew about her for a week or so before I got her, but I spent that week praying for this little girl that's life was about to be torn apart-again. I finally understood that I was excited but she would be scared.
All day I have had verses running through my head as I piece together why I am doing this.

The first one that came to mind was Galatians 6:2 "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ."

But them I found Romans 15:1 that says it so much better:

"Now we who are strong ought to bear the weakness of those without strength and not just please ourselves."
To be honest with you, I am sick of this hard part. I have gotten to the point where the sound of all this stuff with S ending is sounding really good. I had to remember today, that even in the mist of total turmoil, I am still the one that is here taking care of her, enjoying her, hearing her singing, laughing, asking me for things and calling me mom.
I have been given 4 beautiful treasures that have called me mom. One I get to keep, two haven't left yet and one has finally made it home to his own family. I wouldn't take it back. I wouldn't take any of it back. I can't give up either.

I could have said no. I could have chosen to keep my easy life. I could pretended I never heard God tell me to take care of kids that weren't mine, but for me that would have made me lukewarm. It would have meant that I only wanted the part of God that worked for me and not the part where I actually had to act out my faith.

"So then because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of my mouth." - Revelation 3:16

That's where I would have been. God would have wanted to spit me out of HIS mouth because I wasn't strong enough or willing to bare their burdens with them. It is hard enough being 26 and trying to deal with all this. Can you imagine being 3 years old and you have to do it whether you like it or not. They have no choices, but I do, and I choose them.

Even when I want to quit so bad, I choose them.