"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Denial is a 4 letter word

Tonight, August 31st, I am sitting here making Shutterfly books to send with S when she is placed back with her bio mom.

Talk about denial. It is all over me today. As I make them I can't even bring myself to to have printed on them:

"To S*******

From Ben, Leah & Kobe"

because I still hold onto the hope that I won't be sending these books with her...ever.

It is really sad. I am really sad. There is nothing like looking through all these pictures, 14 months worth of pictures, and seeing how much she and Kobe have grown and changed. Kobe has matured so much and S isn't a baby anymore...

Wow, it isn't until I do stuff like this that it hits me that this may really happen.

There may be a day coming where she will not come back.

Not too long ago I packed up some of S's stuff and sent it with her to her mom's house. I only sent things that she doesn't use. I sent home all the stuff that they had given her that I didn't let her play with because it looked dirty and I sent back a special blanket that her mom's gma knitted for her & a baby she was attached to when she came into foster care because we don't use them here at all anymore and I know they mean more to them than to S or me.

That is what I do. I send the stuff that isn't sentimental to me or S doesn't play with anymore but I still keep all the other stuff that I see as hers...you know, incase she stays.

It honestly scares me that I hold on to ANY hope that she will stay. It makes me sick to my stomach either way. I know I am doing better than I would. God has brought me A LONG WAY in dealing with the fact that the plan is THAT SHE IS GOING HOME.

Every day life hasn't changed. How do you wrap your brain around something that hasn't happened? You can't really prepare for it but I have been wasting my time trying.

I know that God is in control and there is a plan...it just doesn't feel good.


Tammy said...

Praying for you friend. I am glad you are making albums. I made them for my babies that left too because otherwise they would have that hole in their lives. Our little one now doesn't have any pictures of her first 5 months. No newborn nothing. I just sent her old foster mom some pictures, real nice christian lady, and asked if she could send us some. She texted me and thanked me for the pictures I sent and said she would get some together for us. I hope she does.
Hope your holiday weekend is going smooth, Tammy

Diane said...

Hang in there. It's not over until it is over. Have faith that God has a plan. You may like it, or you may not understand. But even if S. does return to bio mom, there will be a reason in God's world for that to happen. When you are in the heart of the matter, it is so hard, but just keep lifting it up to God and trusting Him.

Kylee said...

hugs and prayers for you tonight.

I hate that feeling. That awful knot in my stomach that makes me feel as if I'm going to physically be sick. I hate that lump in my throat that refuses to leave. I hate when it gets to the point that I can't look into my baby's eyes without crying, imagining what life will be like without their daily presence.

Sometimes, I don't care what the "job" is as a foster family...I just love those kiddos that come through my home and think of them as "mine". The pain is so inevitable with fostering and there is nothing special about foster families that makes us immune to it.

And sometimes it just really sucks. A lot.

Thinking of you tonight!


Kelli said...

Leah, so many emotions I'm sure! You are doing a good job though, what God wants you to do! Why is it that the court wants to send her home so badly? bio mom can't even pay for gas without help, do they think raising a kid is free? How do they think bio mom is going to support S, and has she complied with any of the court requirements to actually get her back?

Endless Foster Love said...

Leah, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am currently dealing with the loss of our great niece all over again. She will be gone a year the end of Nov but so many things are going on right now that makes me think of her and saddens my heart to no end.....especially since they are not allowing much contact with her.

I still have some of her special stuff that she did not take with her and that I can just not part with.

Hang in there ---I wish I could say it gets easier but for me it is like I am mourning the death of a child.....