Talk about denial. It is all over me today. As I make them I can't even bring myself to to have printed on them:
From Ben, Leah & Kobe"
because I still hold onto the hope that I won't be sending these books with her...ever.
It is really sad. I am really sad. There is nothing like looking through all these pictures, 14 months worth of pictures, and seeing how much she and Kobe have grown and changed. Kobe has matured so much and S isn't a baby anymore...
Wow, it isn't until I do stuff like this that it hits me that this may really happen.
There may be a day coming where she will not come back.
Not too long ago I packed up some of S's stuff and sent it with her to her mom's house. I only sent things that she doesn't use. I sent home all the stuff that they had given her that I didn't let her play with because it looked dirty and I sent back a special blanket that her mom's gma knitted for her & a baby she was attached to when she came into foster care because we don't use them here at all anymore and I know they mean more to them than to S or me.
That is what I do. I send the stuff that isn't sentimental to me or S doesn't play with anymore but I still keep all the other stuff that I see as hers...you know, incase she stays.
It honestly scares me that I hold on to ANY hope that she will stay. It makes me sick to my stomach either way. I know I am doing better than I would. God has brought me A LONG WAY in dealing with the fact that the plan is THAT SHE IS GOING HOME.
Every day life hasn't changed. How do you wrap your brain around something that hasn't happened? You can't really prepare for it but I have been wasting my time trying.
I know that God is in control and there is a plan...it just doesn't feel good.