"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Friday, June 19, 2009

Where did June 18th go?

I seem to be missing some days-they seem to be flying past me without a trace - accept the messy living room that I have as proof that they came and went.

Ever since S stepped foot in this house I have been flooded with work, which is great, I will NEVER complain about work when so many have been having employment issues.

I cannot get over the plan God has had for us and the gifts HE has given along the way.  One that continually comes to mind is our vacation in Orlando, FL.  Oh what a godsend that was and still is!  Only God could know me well enough to orchestrate our life in a way that I would finally break down and plan an amazing trip for our family of three right before we went onto another wonderfully exciting chapter of our lives.  It still is a blessing I look back on and just cry at the thought that we got Kobe to Disney World and got to have, honestly, the best vacation ever!  Only God could have talked me into it and I am so glad HE did!

I get tears in my eyes still as I think about the graciousness HE is showing me daily as I work at becoming a better mom and an understanding foster mom.  The patience He has given me, which is usually just not there, and the bond He has given to S and I is amazing.  I know it can only be from Him and I will gladly give HIM the credit!

If you can't tell by my rambling, I am a little tired.  Between chasing kids, cleaning house and working every spare second (that usually is only available when the kids are sleeping) I am on a different schedule than I used to be :)

It is also such a whirl wind of emotions.  It really really is, and there isn't much time to sort them out in any kind of logical way.  All the sudden I have a 2 yr old girl in my house that is very attached to me, calls me mom and hugs and kisses me every day.  There is no time to figure out how much of a wall I should put up between my heart and my situation because it is here and I have to deal with it now.  

I have to give everything I have everyday as I look into those big brown eyes and see that today, I am "mom".  I am the only one here to give the hugs, fix the meals, kiss the owies, change the diapers, stroke her hair as she falls asleep, put her in time out, and tell her I love her.  In a way, I'm all she has, at least right this minute and every minute that I do it I feel so deep inside of me that I was born to do this, just as I was born to do it every day for my beautiful son who Ben and I made, I was born to take care of this girl for as long as I need to, not forever, but as long as I need to.  

For years now I have felt a hole in my life that I never knew how to fill, I could feel this spot that was empty and I didn't even know what belonged there.  It made me feel like there was some purpose for my life that I had not figured out yet.  I knew I was meant to be a wife, and a mom and many other things, but I had no idea I was meant to be a mom to someone else's child.  I really had no idea.  Even if S left tomorrow, even if she was our one and only foster child, I know when I look in her eyes that I was meant to do this. 

 Don't get me wrong, I still ask God "why?".  I still ask Him why He thinks I can do this, why I am the right person to do this.  Why do I need to do something that is going to be hard.  Why I need to do something that might really hurt when my part of it is done.  Most of the time I hear Him answer, "Because I knew you would, because I know you can, because I know you.  Because I made you to do this."

And that is what gets me through the day, and after the kids are in bed, it is what gets me through the evening as I think about the day that will inevitably come when it is time for her to go.


spng7 said...

She might leave your home one day, but she will always be in your heart. And I'll bet that you will always make sure she remembers her time with you as a gift from God.

Vicki Aeschliman said...

All I can say is wow!

Alyssa said...

God is amazing! You are too for obeying His call:)!

Love you!

gram said...

You make a great Foster MOM. Although it will be tough when S. goes back to her mom but I agree she will always have a place in your heart and I think one in S. heart also.

cindy said...

I agree with mom, she and you are always going to have a sweet bond and I think it will be that way with all your foster kids. You have done a great job with Kobe.
See you tomorrow.
Love you,

Rebekah said...

Leah, this is such an incredibly BEAUTIFUL post. Every word echoes in my ear. I know just what you mean.

I thought the minute I held Ty he would feel like MINE. But even 4 days later he feels like someone else's...Yet I know this is exactly what God has for us and there is such complete contentment in that!!!

I know the bond will come. For now, I'm 100% okay with loving someone else's baby boy!!!


Shelly Marie said...

God is amazing!!! =)

Becca B. said...

God did design you for this! He created your life for this great work, and He will get you through the inevitable pain that will accompany it. Your heart may hurt when those separations happen, but it will hurt more if you never let yourself know and love the children God has predestined to be in your life and care.