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"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Monday, July 19, 2010

Confession.


At S's last hearing they stated "On October 13th we are ready to put services in place so that at this date S can be returned to her bio mom".

I knew that was the plan and that that was what would be said.

Knowing that is the plan doesn't make it any easier.

Knowing that we will have had her a full year longer than they told us we would have her doesn't make it any easier-I am positive that ONLY made it harder on ALL parties involved.

When we started this whole journey the plan was to adopt. Yes, I sat in the classes that said the plan is always to try to reunify the child with their family. I kinda feel like I had selective hearing in those early days. I would hear that and think that some how it wouldn't happen to us, we wouldn't be the people who fell in love with a child only to have them given back.

I thought it would be different, like, if they weren't meant to be ours forever we would feel different and some how be ok with them leaving. I have been through it with K - and I have no regrets about him not living here. None.

But S, S will be the one that I worry about and feel like she should still be here.

See, my confession is that I have only prayed asking God to let me keep her. Now, most people won't see anything wrong with this. I didn't see anything wrong with it.

But, the thing is, if I end up happily "keeping" S - that means that her mom and grandma will be DEVASTATED. See, there is no perfect ending in this:

-If I loose her I am devastated but they are happy.

-If they loose her they are devastated but I am happy.


See, no way for everyone to be happy. And this is across the board. Our happiness equals someone else's devastation. And other people's happiness equals our devastation.

How are we supposed to do this?

Right now I want so badly for S's mom to fall on her face, for all of the bad that is being hidden to come to light and for her to remain in our house-which is the safest option she has.

But, right now I don't feel like the right thing to pray is for us to keep her, because that means her mom has to fall on her face.

The only thing that feels right to pray about right now is that some how GOD will get ahold of S's mom's heart and CHANGE HER. And I am horrified to say that I have never prayed this until now.

I didn't want God to change her, I wanted S to stay here and her mom to...go away! I want it all to go away. That is the truth of the matter.

But, being pitted against her family, trying to fight for our happiness above theirs...it feels horrible.

I want S safe and I know that her returning home to her mom is not a good option. If you take everyone's "happiness" out of it for a minute and just talk safety we all know that she isn't being kept very safe there. But, I still have to pray that God will change that as well. I need God to sweep in and save the day-save S's life.

It doesn't matter if she grows up in our house or her mom's house-what matters is seeing God change people-change her mom, grandma, and family.

Please pray that God will change them, save them and heal their family so that my little girl can go home and be safe.

5 comments:

His Hands His Feet Today said...

Praying for God's will to be done... whatever that looks like. For hearts to be changed and surrendered to Him fully.

We are meeting Thur night - wanna come?

StarfishMom said...

I understand...Exactly. But I DO pray that whatever S's mom has done will come to light BEFORE she leaves you. People should be 100% aware of and devious behavior or wrong doing. All in the name of keeping a child safe. Praying...

Rebecca said...

Leah,

This is SO hard. The only thing I have to compare it to is watching a sweet friend go through this exact situation about a year ago. She had a little girl, Sophie, for 18 months. She was right around S's age when she was returned to her bio mom. Her mom was a known drug user, was mentally unstable, had children by 3 different men, had already lost rights to her first child, etc. And the judge returned Sophie anyway because her mother had "completed her service plan."

I knew I could not cling to verses about "God has good plans for her life." The truth is, God doesn't promise everyone a happy and prosperous life. Nothing makes that reality more apparent than being in the world of foster care myself now.

However, what DID comfort me was a verse from Genesis (16:13) that sates "You are the God who sees me..." The name used for God there is a name that means he does not just see us with His eyes, but He truly sees our innermost being and knows us in an intimate way. Wherever Sophie goes, I know that God is with her and sees her and loves her more than I ever could.

I have a picture of her framed with her wearing her sunglasses and this verse printed below the photo to remind me that though I have no idea how her life is going at this point, God sees her and is with her. I know there is nothing that will take away the pain, but I think you're on the right track with praying for her mother's heart to change knowing that it is likely that is who will be raising her. I think that is the hardest thing in the world to do, and I commend you for having the courage to do it!

In the meantime, I will also be praying that: What [her family] have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what [they] have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs (Luke 12:3) so that the truth may be brought to light!

Diane said...

I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time. When the system makes decisions without all the information or by willingfully ignoring information, the children lose.

I experienced the same thing when my foster daughter went home after four years at almost five years old. She was devastated, had no bond with that part of her family, and could not understand why. Meanwhile, her father was barely meeting his case plan and only because many social workers were helping him far more than is reasonable.

As difficult as it was, I worked very hard to develop a relationship with her father as the case progressed toward transition. Now that the system is out of the picture (case closed 6 months after return), he and I have a workable relationship, and my Sweets spends almost all of the time she is not in school at my home. Most of the issues I predicted with her father happened, but never in a million years did I imagine what we have today and how much I am still in her life.

When return became inevitable, my prayers changed too, from please allow her to stay, to please help me accept Your will and help her with whatever happens. It didn't make it easier on her at the time, but it did help me and give me peace. God is bigger than the system - that was my focus as the day drew nearer.

Good luck, and may the peace of God be with you!

Rebekah said...

Man did this strike a chord with me. "Our hapiness is someone else's devestation." That's adoption. No way around it. It's not God's first plan or intent. Although our paths are forked I understand exactly what you are saying and it's all so difficult to absorb.

I'm so proud of you. When you live wide open God can do amazing things.

There are a couple truths here that should put your heart at ease. The first is that God WILL take care of S. He loves her more than you and Ben and Kobe ever could. The second is that God WILL take care of you. No matter how heart ripping the outcome may be, he will apply the only healing balm that exists - his love.

You may not be able to get through this, but the Jesus in you can.

Thinking about you guys as your road narrows.