At S's last hearing they stated "On October 13th we are ready to put services in place so that at this date S can be returned to her bio mom".
I knew that was the plan and that that was what would be said.
Knowing that is the plan doesn't make it any easier.
Knowing that we will have had her a full year longer than they told us we would have her doesn't make it any easier-I am positive that ONLY made it harder on ALL parties involved.
When we started this whole journey the plan was to adopt. Yes, I sat in the classes that said the plan is always to try to reunify the child with their family. I kinda feel like I had selective hearing in those early days. I would hear that and think that some how it wouldn't happen to us, we wouldn't be the people who fell in love with a child only to have them given back.
I thought it would be different, like, if they weren't meant to be ours forever we would feel different and some how be ok with them leaving. I have been through it with K - and I have no regrets about him not living here. None.
But S, S will be the one that I worry about and feel like she should still be here.
See, my confession is that I have only prayed asking God to let me keep her. Now, most people won't see anything wrong with this. I didn't see anything wrong with it.
But, the thing is, if I end up happily "keeping" S - that means that her mom and grandma will be DEVASTATED. See, there is no perfect ending in this:
-If I loose her I am devastated but they are happy.
-If they loose her they are devastated but I am happy.
See, no way for everyone to be happy. And this is across the board. Our happiness equals someone else's devastation. And other people's happiness equals our devastation.
How are we supposed to do this?
Right now I want so badly for S's mom to fall on her face, for all of the bad that is being hidden to come to light and for her to remain in our house-which is the safest option she has.
But, right now I don't feel like the right thing to pray is for us to keep her, because that means her mom has to fall on her face.
The only thing that feels right to pray about right now is that some how GOD will get ahold of S's mom's heart and CHANGE HER. And I am horrified to say that I have never prayed this until now.
I didn't want God to change her, I wanted S to stay here and her mom to...go away! I want it all to go away. That is the truth of the matter.
But, being pitted against her family, trying to fight for our happiness above theirs...it feels horrible.
I want S safe and I know that her returning home to her mom is not a good option. If you take everyone's "happiness" out of it for a minute and just talk safety we all know that she isn't being kept very safe there. But, I still have to pray that God will change that as well. I need God to sweep in and save the day-save S's life.
It doesn't matter if she grows up in our house or her mom's house-what matters is seeing God change people-change her mom, grandma, and family.
Please pray that God will change them, save them and heal their family so that my little girl can go home and be safe.