"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Monday, July 19, 2010

I couldn't have said it better myself - take two

"The delivery was extremely traumatic. It all happened so quick. I felt so frightened and so alone. It seemed to so odd to birth a baby this way. Lying on a cold table with my arms strapped down. People bustling all over the room, but barely acknowledging me. It just did not feel normal. I think I almost would have rathered been put to sleep. It was just too much being awake for it . I felt so out of control. Like I was in some nightmare. I did not like being hooked up to so many machines. I did not like being numb. I did not like that I could not take a deep breath. The shaking and uncontrollable chattering of my teeth was awful. It was one of the most vulnerable times of my life."

Wow. I read this and thought "This is exactly what it was like for me...someone else managed to put it into words.

I remember the day Kobe was cut out of me I gave birth to him, especially the moment the doctor told me I was going to have a C-section, very clearly.

I had been in labor since very early, my contractions started around 6:30 - 8:00 am. I was three weeks early, I am sure my doctor thought because I was so young, 18, and it was my first baby that it was just braxton hicks or false labor.

He told me to go ahead and take my morning shot of heparin (a blood thinner I had been on since I had developed a pregnancy induced blood clot that had crippled me and landed me in the hospital for a few days) and to come in for my appt that day that was already scheduled.

My contractions calmed down, enough for Ben and I to go out to eat and then we went to the afternoon appt - actually, I missed something in there, I am pretty sure I went to the hospital and they sent me home because the contractions weren't regular enough, and then I went to my appt. at which my doctor checked me and realized I was dilated and Kobe was coming out "butt first" and I would have to have a C-section.

As soon as he said it I cried.

Looking back I don't really know why I cried. I had never had to do either way of child birth but I felt like something had been taken away from me.

Regardless, because I had taken my blood thinner medicine at 8 am I had to wait until 8 pm for it to wear off so they could do the C-section. I was admitted to the hospital and the contractions came back with a vengeance.

I got to labor all those hours for basically no reason. I never felt the urge to push but I do remember them checking me around 8 pm and them saying "We have to get her in there."

The rest is a blur, an absolute blur. I remember being strapped to flat surface with my arms stretched out like Jesus. I don't remember feeling anything, I just remember them getting Kobe out and him not crying right away and asking why he wasn't crying yet. I also forgot to mention that at my appt that day the doctor also told me that he thought Kobe would be "growth retarded" and would have a very low birth weight, like, only a couple pounds because I was measuring pretty small. That had scared the crap out of me as well.

Anyway, eventually he cried and no, he was not "growth retarded". He was little, 5 lbs 11 oz, but healthy. Of course I didn't get to hold him, I was strapped to the bed and had to be sewn up, so they whisked him away while I laid there. I remember being in the recovery room and being really out of it. My brother in law took video of Kobe and brought it back to my room to show me. Of course it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

Everything I just told you, from the blood clot to the "growth retardation" to things I didn't even mention in this post are exactly why Ben and I haven't gone ahead and had more kids.
In all honesty, it is exactly why we are doing foster care.

When I think back to what the doctor that day so early on a verse comes to mind:

"The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly."

John 10:10

When the doctor told me that "it was still early enough to abort" I am sure Satan was thrilled, just hoping I would believe the doctor and be too scared to go ahead with my pregnancy.

In a little way I feel like the way in which my first pregnancy went, he did manage to destroy me. I have been scared to death to get pregnant ever since.

But, as much as Satan meant it for evil God meant it for Good. All these years later I am taking care of other people's babies-God has put it in me to love them like they are my own. Without this scary birth story I am sure I would have never ended up where I am.

HE meant it for Good.


Not Just A Birth Mom said...

Wow. Reading that story at the top was like reliving my whole experience. All I know, is that if given the choice, I will never have another C-section. They are horrible.