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"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them."

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Chaos

"To do foster care you have to be willing to deal with complete chaos and indecision."

-2fostermoms


I read that yesterday and and thought "Isn't that the truth?"

The chaos is getting to me.

The indecision is getting to me.

The lack of the system following their own rules is getting to me.

S's visit drop off and pick up time is getting to me.
(who wouldn't want to pick up a kid at 7 pm on July 4th when you should be at a cook out with YOUR family-the best part is, on top of the very inconvenient time, her mom told me that she doesn't have enough money to put gas in the car to bring her back. She told me this and then said, "I am going to take her anyway, I will figure something out I guess." Now I get to worry about if they won't even show up at 7 pm. Tonight might be a very fun night.)

S's coming back from her mom's house telling me she had been molested, having physical evidence of it - but not enough, and watching her act out in my house in inappropriate/sexual ways is getting to me ONLY because the police, CPS, and the court decided to act like nothing was wrong.

I was talking to my oldest friend in the world the other day and telling her about how stressed out all of this makes me and how I don't know how to deal with it. She said, "Can't you just stop? Stop taking kids..."

Well, fully stopping means handing S & Lizzy back to goodness knows who so that isn't going to work. I could stop taking any more kids (like I have been advised by other people after watching everything that has happened with K & S) but...

When you get a phone call that asks you if you want "a 18 mo. old little girl..." I can't say no. My arms are full and yet I still feel like there are little ones missing. I walk around with holes in my heart that feel very real to me that are waiting to be filled by "the next one".

I can't explain it. I guess it is the good parts, like all the time I had with S BEFORE any over night visits happened, that was an easy time. We fell in love with her during that time of 1 hour visits a week...and now her whole situation has turned into a monster that is quite out of control.

Right now we are going through that early on "easy" stage with Lizzy. Not much bio family involvement and it just feels like we are a family. Now with her bio mom in jail we will have 30 days, I assume, of time where it feels like it is just us. I think that might be what is bugging me. With S we had that for the most part, time where we felt like this was our family and there wasn't much involvement from any out side forces. Now, it is like a monster has ripped through our house and left everything in pieces, especially S's stability, emotion health and innocence.

For us, I don't know that quitting will ever be what we decide to do, we really are going to have to find a new normal, which we are finding, and we have to find peace in a very unpeaceful situation.






"God, my rock, in him will I take refuge; My shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge; My saviour."

6 comments:

FootPrints said...

i know exactly where your coming from, yet i have no advice for you. sad right? i dont even have advice for myself. ha!

all i know is that god had never called me to do something and left me stranded. god equips those he calls. listen for him.

hey i'm really preaching to myself right now!

Shantra said...

Your life sounds so much like mine! And advice... Sorry.. just keep on keeping on! Do what you can and Let God take care of the rest! I know, eaiser said then done.... I'm Also preaching to myself. And to other that tell you to stop taking kids.. A. on a good day I try to remember that foster care /adoption is what God has called ME to. and if he hasn't called them they will never understand. b.on a not so grace filled day. I would have some remark like " Sure I'll stop taking kids when the adults in there lives stop hurting them , I would like to be but out of work , so to speak"

Just remember that you are not alone , there are others of us out here fighting this same battle! And God will not give you more then you can handle! I know this and I have 6 ( ages 9,7,6, 20m, 12m 7m)

Tammy said...

Oh, Leah... I'm so sorry you guys are going through all of this. Believe me, I KNOW where you're coming from. The frustration of loving these kids as if they're your own, but not having any rights or legal way to protect them or bring some sense of "normalcy" to their lives is one of the most frustrating parts of foster care.

I'm actually taking an extended foster care break right now, and it feels like a HUGE elephant has been lifted off my shoulders. I can BREATHE again for the first time in a year and a half! I didn't realize just HOW on edge I was until I said, "NO MORE!"

At the same time though, I can't help but think about the little ones out there who NEED someone like me to bring them home and love them. I have the very distinct feeling that I'm going to take the rest of 2010 off (I think it's going to take me that long to recover from the past year and a half), and start fostering again at the beginning of next year.

As completely screwed up as the system is, and as stressed out and helpless as we feel as foster parents, those children are SO WORTH IT. I'm just still trying to find a way to balance my emotions and the "right" way to work with the system to try to do what's best for the kids. I'm sure it MUST come with time, but in the meantime, I don't want to completely break down from the stress and helpless feeling.

Sorry to ramble... I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in your feelings. From someone who's been there recently, try to learn your emotional limits. As much as your heart wants to bring in these children, try to learn to recognize when you have hit your emotional wall and take whatever time you need to regain your sense of balance and calm. I'm convinced that I will be a much better parent because of it.

Kelli said...

God called you to this, you obeyed. He never said it would be easy, it wouldn't hurt or bring you joy. The most important thing is you obeyed HIM!! He WILL get you through. You are strong in Him, and He is changing you and changing others through you. Trust Him!

Faith said...

I understand! I think every foster parent does...doesn't make it much easier but we all know what you're talking about.

gram said...

I could not do it but God knows it and would not put them in my house. :) Emotionally I would be come so attached and would not have the patience to be a Foster mom. Sure do love my kids, grandchildren and greatgrandchildren that God has blessed me with all of them.