I read that yesterday and and thought "Isn't that the truth?"
The chaos is getting to me.
The indecision is getting to me.
The lack of the system following their own rules is getting to me.
S's visit drop off and pick up time is getting to me.
(who wouldn't want to pick up a kid at 7 pm on July 4th when you should be at a cook out with YOUR family-the best part is, on top of the very inconvenient time, her mom told me that she doesn't have enough money to put gas in the car to bring her back. She told me this and then said, "I am going to take her anyway, I will figure something out I guess." Now I get to worry about if they won't even show up at 7 pm. Tonight might be a very fun night.)
S's coming back from her mom's house telling me she had been molested, having physical evidence of it - but not enough, and watching her act out in my house in inappropriate/sexual ways is getting to me ONLY because the police, CPS, and the court decided to act like nothing was wrong.
I was talking to my oldest friend in the world the other day and telling her about how stressed out all of this makes me and how I don't know how to deal with it. She said, "Can't you just stop? Stop taking kids..."
Well, fully stopping means handing S & Lizzy back to goodness knows who so that isn't going to work. I could stop taking any more kids (like I have been advised by other people after watching everything that has happened with K & S) but...
When you get a phone call that asks you if you want "a 18 mo. old little girl..." I can't say no. My arms are full and yet I still feel like there are little ones missing. I walk around with holes in my heart that feel very real to me that are waiting to be filled by "the next one".
I can't explain it. I guess it is the good parts, like all the time I had with S BEFORE any over night visits happened, that was an easy time. We fell in love with her during that time of 1 hour visits a week...and now her whole situation has turned into a monster that is quite out of control.
Right now we are going through that early on "easy" stage with Lizzy. Not much bio family involvement and it just feels like we are a family. Now with her bio mom in jail we will have 30 days, I assume, of time where it feels like it is just us. I think that might be what is bugging me. With S we had that for the most part, time where we felt like this was our family and there wasn't much involvement from any out side forces. Now, it is like a monster has ripped through our house and left everything in pieces, especially S's stability, emotion health and innocence.
For us, I don't know that quitting will ever be what we decide to do, we really are going to have to find a new normal, which we are finding, and we have to find peace in a very unpeaceful situation.
"God, my rock, in him will I take refuge; My shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge; My saviour."